


we're all we have

by iolanthie



Series: James' Prequel [2]
Category: The Walking Dead (Telltale Video Game)
Genre: Aftermath of Violence, Angst, Blood, Canon-Typical Violence, Child Abuse, Childhood Trauma, Coming of Age, Cruelty, Dark, Emotional, Feels, First Love, Fluff, Graphic Description of Corpses, Kidnapping, M/M, Murder, Non-Linear Narrative, Past Violence, Physical Abuse, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Romance, Serious Injuries, Torture, Tragedy, Trauma, Violence, change, romantic softies, softies
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-05-01
Updated: 2020-06-18
Packaged: 2021-02-25 20:54:55
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 12
Words: 38,261
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21741793
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/iolanthie/pseuds/iolanthie
Summary: A series of short stories exploring the unbreakable bond between James and his boyfriend Charlie and his life with the Whisperers.Romance/fluff in a dark/violent world.
Relationships: Charlie (Walking Dead: Broken Toys)/James (Walking Dead: Suffer the Children)
Series: James' Prequel [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1405237
Comments: 11
Kudos: 20





	1. Wonder

**Author's Note:**

> Chapters/stories are not in chronological order.
> 
> Trigger warnings are in the tags and before specific chapters.

_February 2012_

It was winter and Washington DC was covered in snow. The air was cold but there was no harsh wind blowing through the trees. The night sky was crystal clear and the stars were slowly becoming visible one by one.

James was fidgeting with his pencil, absentmindedly staring out the window above his desk. He had been trying to complete his homework but Charlie had told him he'd come by around this time and that made it nearly impossible for him to concentrate. They were lucky to live within walking distance of each other so they often went for walks together. He looked forward to these walks more than anything else.

His eyes drifted away from his homework and then locked on the small bouquet of dried blue flowers sat on the corner of his desk, with a single purple flower standing out among the rest. They were long dead but he'd asked his father for help drying and preserving them and it had worked well. Although the colours had faded and the petals had curled slightly backward, he was determined to keep them - he'd never throw them away. Whenever his thoughts strayed recently, there was only one person on his mind.

He thought about how Charlie's heart was soft and tender, how he was affectionate and giving with no expectation of receiving anything in return. On an ordinary day he would pick flowers on his way home from school and give them to his parents to show them that he cared about them. He did it because he wanted to make other people happy, it was as simple as that in his mind. 

They had quickly grown close to each other and James started having feelings for him that he'd never felt before. Soon after they'd met, Charlie surprised him. He'd handpicked as many blue tulips as he could and bundled them together to make a bouquet. He made it as neat as a child his age possibly could. Then he'd picked a single purple tulip and added it to the bouquet, right in the centre. 

When Charlie gave him the bouquet, James was so shocked that he had no idea what to say. He lowered his nose gently into the flowers and inhaled their sweet scent. When he managed to find his voice, he raised his eyes to meet Charlie's and timidly asked, "Is there a reason why all of them are blue except for the purple one in the middle?"

"The purple one is you - represents you. How you stand out from the rest. How special you are to me."

"Oh," he breathed. He suddenly felt lightheaded, a warm flush spreading up his neck and his chest aching. "Thank you. They're - they're beautiful."

Charlie beamed happily and leaned forward to embrace him. James squeezed his eyes shut, holding onto the bouquet tightly behind the other boy's back. His knees genuinely felt weak as he leaned into the touch.

Those flowers had been on his desk ever since. Every time he looked at them he felt something akin to butterflies in his stomach.

 _I love him so much,_ he thought. _He makes me feel... everything. Even if I never have the courage to tell him, even if he doesn't feel the same way... I love him more than anything._

When he saw movement in his peripheral vision he pulled away from his thoughts and looked up to see Charlie approaching down the street. He grinned widely, practically leaping out of his chair and abandoning his homework. He raced down the stairs excitedly and it was only when he got to the closet by the front door that he remembered he should ask his dad for permission to go outside.

James called over to his father in the living room while he put on his socks and boots by the front door. "Dad?"

"Yeah?"

"Charlie's coming, is it okay if we go for a walk?"

"Just stay close by, alright? Don't wander too far."

"Yeah, yeah, I know. We'll be safe."

"Love you, kiddo."

"I love you too."

By the time Charlie reached the front door James had already put on his coat and he was ready to go. He beamed at his best friend as he hurried out the front door and closed it behind him.

Charlie smiled back, but there was something subtly different about it. It wasn't as bright as his usual beaming smile when he saw him.

"You're not late today," James chuckled. He hoped a bit of lighthearted teasing would ease the other boy's mind.

"Hey - don't act so surprised!"

"Oh, sorry! Right on time, just as I was expecting you. Is that better?"

"A little more sincerity would be nice, but I'm not picky. Maybe if we keep pretending I'm punctual I'll actually become that way eventually."

Out of the corner of his eye, he saw his friend's expression brighten slightly. He knew that he always felt so happy when they were together and he could only hope that Charlie felt the same.

"Were you already doing homework? I saw you by your desk in the window."

"I was trying to."

"Math?"

"Yeah."

"You already know all of it, don't you? I saw you breezing through it in class."

"Sort of, but I still feel bad if I don't finish it. Unless I have something more important to do."

"Is this more important?"

His cheeks grew warm, but he answered honestly. "Of course it is."

Their eyes met and Charlie beamed as he usually did, that familiar fondness in his eyes. James tended to avoid eye contact with most other kids but Charlie was an exception. He relished every moment that he could gaze into those dark eyes, holding the feeling of closeness and understanding and connection close to his chest and letting it burrow into his heart.

Charlie looked away abruptly, his expression uncharacteristically bashful and anxious at the same time. There was something plaguing his mind, that glance confirmed it, but James had never been one to push or pry.

Instead, he let silence fall between them, trying to reassure himself that his friend would open up when he was ready. 

As they walked he looked down at the snow, watching it sparkle in the light from the streetlamps. He inhaled deeply, feeling the cold night air spreading through his lungs. It really was a beautiful night.

"What do you think about eating ice cream in the winter time?" Charlie asked, his tone forcibly lighter than before.

"Does it make any difference when or where or how anyone eats ice cream? It's still the best food on Earth."

"Really, huh? Even if there was a blizzard outside?"

"I couldn't say no to ice cream, even then."

"What about soup in the summer time?"

"Outside?"

"Yup."

"What kind of monster would eat soup outside, especially when it's hot?"

"You're right. You and your dad really are like two peas in a pod."

"What?"

"You're like a little mini version of him. That man's obsessed with ice cream. Not just that, but lots of things. It's cute."

"I was only a baby when my mom left so he raised me by himself." James looked down at his feet but his lips were curved in a smile. "He taught me everything, I guess."

"That explains how you got to be so awesome." A slightly flush crept into Charlie's cheeks.

They walked side by side for a little while, their elbows and shoulders brushing together with each step. James couldn't help the soft smile that seemed to have planted itself on his face and wouldn't leave. They didn't feel the need to fill every silence with conversation anymore now that they were comfortable with each other. Simply being together and feeling each other's presence was enough for them.

All of a sudden the came up to a Dairy Queen, almost as if Charlie had planned this route in advance so that they could stop for ice cream. He'd known that James would be excited to have some, no matter how cold it was. 

Their eyes met and they both laughed breathlessly and went inside. They didn't need to ask whether the other wanted to - they knew that they both did.

For a few minutes the boys stood in line and contemplated what they would order, taking the decision very seriously. Charlie went first and then stood closely behind his best friend as he ordered. When James reached into his pocket to get money for the cashier Charlie was already sliding a ten dollar bill across the register.

"I've got it. Keep the change."

_What?_

Bewildered, James looked between the cashier and Charlie but the other boy avoided his eyes completely.

"Thank you, Charlie - you didn't have to -"

"No problem. Don't mention it."

With their ice cream in hand, they went back outside and started walking down the street as they ate. He wanted to ask Charlie why he'd done that but the could feel an anxious energy coming from him and he hesitated. His friend was quieter than usual and less energetic and he just didn't have the nerve to ask him what was wrong because he was afraid of looking foolish. So he let it go for now.

As they walked and ate their ice cream together, James noticed that the streets were full of Christmas lights. The colours looked so beautiful in the darkness; some of the houses had really elaborate displays with lights so bright that they seemed to bathe the sparkling snow in every colour of the rainbow.

Charlie made sure to walk just the slightest bit ahead of James so that he was leading him subtly.

Before he knew it they found themselves walking past the community pool where they'd spent most of their summer. It was closed down, empty and dark but it still brought back fond memories for James.

"It looks so strange at night, all empty," he smiled as the bittersweet sensation of nostalgia wrapped around his chest.

"I know. I wish there weren't so many lights and security cameras so we could sneak in one night in summer."

"And swim in the dark?"

"That'd be pretty cool, right?"

"It would be. You'd probably try to scare me by touching my feet, though, wouldn't you...?"

"Well, I guess now I won't," Charlie laughed softly. "You're too smart for me, Jamie. You're catching on to all my tricks."

"I'm not as easy to scare now, am I? Now that I've gotten to know you, I know you wouldn't hurt me."

"No, I wouldn't. You trust me?" Charlie's voice was soft and gentle, almost tentative and shy.

"I... I do."

"I'm... it means a lot - that you trust me. I know that's... a big deal, and I'd never take it for granted. I promise you that."

"Do you trust me, too?"

"Of course I do. You're a good person. You wouldn't hurt anyone."

"I - I wouldn't want to, and I'd try not to. But I wouldn't let anyone else hurt you either. You're my best friend."

James glanced over at the other boy. Charlie gave him a strange sort of smile, looking down at the ground as he spoke. "You're my best friend, too."

As they walked and the community pool started to fade in the distance, James remembered how they had sat underneath the tree in the far corner on the last day of summer. He could almost see the green grass, the butterflies, the scattered flowers all around them. Charlie had been watching him with those bright eyes, smiling and affectionately prodding him as they joked around. He started pulling a few small flowers out of the grass and gently threaded them through James' hair before he could protest. He had been smiling shyly as he watched the other boy placing the flowers in his hair, the feeling of affection overpowering any other thoughts or emotions he might have had. When he was done, Charlie beamed widely - the most sincere, brilliant smile he'd ever seen. He could still see it clearly when he closed his eyes. 

"You look like a beautiful fairy prince," he chuckled softly, but he wasn't joking. 

James' cheeks flushed. Without thinking, he reached over and lightly tickled Charlie's sides. Quick as lightning, the other boy got onto his knees and started tickling James in return. Soon they were squirming and rolling all over the grass, squealing and laughing as they tickled each other and begged for the other person to stop. 

They only grew tired when they were breathless and lightheaded but they were still laughing happily. The flowers from James' hair were scattered around them now and he noticed a few of them next to Charlie's head as he lay on the grass, his chest heaving while he tried to catch his breath. He glanced over at his best friend discreetly, wishing he was brave enough to tell him how beautiful he looked right now with his hair strewn wildly behind him, breathlessly laughing and smiling and unable to stop.

It was another memory that he cherished and held close to his heart. Simply seeing the pool evoked strong emotions in him; he felt warm and jittery inside when he remembered how Charlie had made him feel that day.

When he came back to the present, the other boy was taking the containers from their finished ice cream and discarding them in a nearby trash can. He'd lead them to a park - _their_ park. It was a place that held good memories for them both because they'd played there together after school on the day they met.

_He must have remembered. This can't be a coincidence._

"Did you want to... hang out here for a bit?" Charlie asked, a nervous edge in his voice.

"Sure," James replied, feeling a portion of his best friend's nervousness as if it were his own. He'd always been able to pick up on Charlie's emotions and he liked feeling that connection to him... but not knowing why he was nervous made him even more nervous so he tried to push it out of his mind again, not wanting to ruin their night.

Charlie lead him to the picnic table on the far side of the park. He lay down on the table and rested his feet on the bench and James followed suit, lying close enough for their arms to touch. Their eyes naturally gravitated up towards the sky.

The stars hadn't been this visible in a long time, if ever. They were so bright and clear that he felt like he could have picked out every constellation easily if he'd known where to look.

"Do you remember the Lion King?" Charlie chuckled softly. "'They're fireflies that got stuck up in that big bluish black thing.' Wasn't it Timon who said that?"

"I think so. When Pumbaa said he thought they were balls of gas burning millions of miles away, Timon laughed at him. God, I love that movie."

"Me too. And I love looking at the stars." 

"I don't think I've ever seen them this clearly before, you know."

"Oh, I..." There was a few seconds of silence while Charlie thought about what to say. "I'm glad. That I could, uh, bring you here. Today, I mean, for you to see this. I love the city but... it's nice to see the stars when you can, I think."

"I love it too. I wish they weren't hidden most of the time."

"They make me... think about my place in the world. Remind me to appreciate the beauty around me. They're gorgeous, right?"

"They are," James agreed. "They make me think a lot, too. There's something... amazing about them."

Charlie started looking for patterns in the stars, making up his own constellations and trying to show them to James by pointing them out to him. That ended up being more difficult than they thought it'd be; James couldn't seem to find the same made up constellations no matter how hard he tried and they ended up laughing so hard they could barely breathe.

Eventually James started making up his own constellations to show Charlie that he wouldn't be able to find them either. They let their imaginations run wild until they finally found one that they could both see and their fits of laughter eased off slowly, replaced by pure happiness and a sense of contentment.

The boys fell silent for a while, both wrapped up in their own thoughts but appreciating each other's company. James started watching the steady pattern of their visible breaths, each one standing out clearly against the black sky in the cold night. He noticed how fast and shaky the other boy's breaths were compared to his own.

_Did Charlie always breathe that fast?_

Suddenly Charlie sat up beside him and James followed his lead. He felt his best friend carefully wrapping his arms around him and pulling him into a tight hug. James returned the embrace, resting his head on the other boy's shoulder. Charlie didn't let go, holding him close for some time.

That's when he realized that he could hear the faint sound of Charlie's heart racing through all his layers of clothes. He'd gotten used to feeling his own heart beating faster when his best friend pulled him close, but nowhere near that fast. A jolt of fear spread throughout this body.

_Something's wrong._

_Charlie's either really nervous or really scared about something._

_He's been acting weird the whole night._

_What if he doesn't want to be friends anymore?_

_What if he's moving to a different school?_

_What if his parents are moving away?_

_What if he's sick - seriously sick? Like, hospital sick, incurable sick? Even... dying?_

He listened closely to that heart pounding away and he felt his own pulse quickening rapidly as his mind started racing out of control and a sense of anxiety and dread constricted his chest. They both pulled back from the embrace at the same time.

"Jamie, I..."

"Charlie, you're scaring me."

"What?"

"You're acting different and I know something's wrong but you won't tell me -"

"N-nothing - nothing's wrong. I just..."

Charlie closed his eyes and took a deep breath, trying to let it out slowly in an attempt to calm himself. James could see that he was shaking now and he felt his own body also starting to tremble with fear.

"I love you, Jamie."

Everything stopped. The world stopped turning, time stopped passing, every living thing held its breath.

"I really do, and - and it's not like a 'friends' type love, it's... a romantic type love. Like... boyfriends. Where... we're closer to each other than anyone else. Where I only want to be with you and... and I'd hope that you'd only want to be with me. That kind of love."

Charlie kept trembling as he spoke and he couldn't seem to stop while he waited for James to reply.

Thankfully, he didn't have to wait long. James didn't need to think before responding, he simply said what was in his heart, what he'd known for a long time.

"I love you too, Charlie."

Charlie's eyes widened in disbelief. "Like... friends? Or like boyfriends?"

"Like boyfriends."

"Really?"

"Really."

"You're not just saying that because I said it and you'd feel bad not saying it back, right?"

"No, I'm telling you the honest truth. And I wouldn't do something like that to you."

"...Are you sure? Because if you're not and you end up realizing that you don't... feel that way about me, it would really break my heart, like really bad, and I don't know if I could take that -"

"Charlie..." James grabbed his trembling hands and held them tightly in his own. "I'm sure. I know how I feel for you. I know that I love you and I know that it's the romantic kind of love."

The shocked expression on Charlie's face finally started to change as James' words sunk in. His neck and cheeks started to get flushed and his eyes became bright, earnest and hopeful.

"Oh - okay. Um... would you... like to be boyfriends? Like... together, officially. You and me."

"Yeah, I would."

James would never forget the smile Charlie gave him then, the look of pure joy lighting up his eyes. They were both breathing fast and feeling slightly lightheaded.

"S-sorry I - I trust that you're being honest with how you feel about me, I just - can't believe that you... really have romantic feelings for me. I didn't think you would. I thought it would be too good to possibly be true. I've been so scared because I knew I had to tell you and I was afraid you... wouldn't feel the same."

"Of course I have feelings for you. How could I possibly not love you?" He paused for a second, gazing adoringly at the other boy. "But you scared the crap out of me!"

"What?" Charlie's expression quickly changed to one of confusion.

"I thought you were going to tell me you were moving or that you didn't want me to hang out with you anymore or that you were dying or something!"

"Oh. Because of how nervous I was?"

"I'm usually the nervous one, not you! I'm pretty sure I'm still shaking because I was terrified that I was going to lose you."

James lifted his hand up and tried to hold it still between them. Surely enough, it was shaking. Charlie raised his own hand and held it next to his. It was trembling just as hard.

"I'm sorry. I just - I've never been this nervous about anything before in my life. You're just - I ..." 

"I - I'm nervous about... being boyfriends, too. I've never done this before. I've never let someone else this close to me. But I... I still want to be with you."

"It's you and me - we know everything about each other. But all of a sudden it's like I'm... scared of being hurt. Because I care about you too much," Charlie chuckled nervously.

"I'd never hurt you. I... want to do everything with you. I wish we could be together all the time." James could barely believe the words were coming out of his own mouth, but he seemed to have found the courage he needed somewhere along the way.

The other boy gave him a relieved smile. "I'd never hurt you either, Jamie."

An uneasy feeling suddenly tugged at James' stomach and he found himself asking Charlie a question that had been plaguing his mind long before today.

"If... if people say things at school - about us - will you be mad at me?" His voice sounded so scared, so vulnerable.

"Why would I be mad at you?" Charlie tilted his head slightly to the side and blinked, genuinely confused. "I couldn't care less what anyone else thinks. You're the one I love. No one else."

"I... I've heard people say really mean things and I'm worried that if that happened you might... change your mind. That you might want to be with... someone else, where things would be easier."

Charlie understood. He hated that someone - something had made James worry about this. 

"I don't want you to worry about that for a second. If anyone has a problem with how I feel for you then... I don't want them in my life. I don't care if everyone in the world hated me as long as I get to be with you. You understand me, you make me happy. If any assholes say anything it's their problem, not ours. I'd never let anything come between us."

James nodded, his eyes overbright as if they were on the verge of filling with tears. "Okay. I'm glad. I never want to lose you."

"If something like that happened... would it change how you felt about me? Would you leave me?" There was a twinge of honest fear in Charlie's tone.

"No, Charlie. Of course not. No matter what anyone says - I love you. There's nothing anyone could do that could make me leave you. No matter how much they might try to hurt me."

"If anyone says anything -" 

"- you'd want me to tell you. I know. And I will."

"Good. I'll protect you, as much as I possibly can. I won't stand by while someone else hurts you. I can't." Charlie's eyes were determined, his gaze unwavering. 

"Okay." James swallowed and felt the tightness in his throat subsiding. "I promise I wouldn't leave you. I was just afraid you might leave me."

All of a sudden Charlie was pulling him into a tender embrace, even tighter than the last. "I promise, too," he whispered softly close to his ear. "You're my Jamie. You're so perfect I can hardly believe you're real sometimes. I never want to be with anyone else."

James squeezed his eyes shut, pushing down the vulnerable feeling and forcing himself to be brave, to open himself up. "You stole my heart a long time ago, Charlie," he whispered quietly. He knew that the other boy heard because he went still in his arms. "You just didn't know it yet. It's been yours all along."

When Charlie pulled back to look at him, his eyes were full of love and wonder, almost as if he was in awe of James' existence.

"I... hope it's not weird that I told you that I loved you before we... made things official. I just... I just knew. It didn't feel right to keep it from you. I care about you too much."

"No, it's... I'm glad you told me. I knew that I loved you, too. You - you're important to me. I'd thought about telling you, about being with you... a lot. I always wanted that, deep down."

Then Charlie laughed, and he sounded so relieved, like such a weight had been lifted from his shoulders. Suddenly his eyes were bright and happy, filled with fondness and affection. His smile was so full, so genuinely overjoyed and hopeful. Contagious. His joy spread all throughout James' body and he couldn't stop himself from breaming.

In that perfect moment, Charlie took another leap of faith.

"Can... Can I - Would it be alright if I kissed you?"

With no hesitation, James leaned forward and captured his lips in a loving kiss. At first it was timid and gentle, they were both so nervous that it felt like even their lips were trembling. Their movements were soft and slow. They kept their faces close in between each tender kiss, and James slowly realized that Charlie wanted to keep kissing, too, so he kissed him over and over again.

Then James' hands were on Charlie's cheeks, pulling him closer and Charlie's arms were around his waist.

In a moment of bravery James tried to deepen the kiss for the first time and he was completely lovestruck and overjoyed when he felt his partner reciprocating and eagerly leaning into him. He felt his own heart fluttering rapidly, beating so fast that it felt like it was flying - like _he_ was flying. He felt that exquisite falling feeling in the pit of his stomach but in the most wonderful way, like the ground had been pulled out from beneath his feet and gravity was pulling him down but he trusted Charlie to catch him so there was nothing but the sensation itself mixed with infatuation.

_This is the best day of my life. The happiest I've ever been._

He didn't know who started giggling first but suddenly both of their chests were shaking with uncontrollable laughter. He was just so happy that he didn't know what else to do, he couldn't stop himself. He was overflowing with joy and love that had to be expressed somehow.

At first they tried to keep kissing through the fits of laughter, pressing their lips together even as they were grinning uncontrollably, but it soon became too difficult to breathe because they were laughing so hard. Charlie pulled himself up slightly with his arms around James' neck and pressed kisses all over his face, even while he was laughing and gasping for air. And James felt so incredibly loved. He tried to reciprocate by kissing all over his boyfriend's face, too, and he swore he could feel Charlie practically glowing and radiating happiness.

"I'll always remember today, Charlie. For the rest of my life."

They held hands throughout their walk home together and kissed goodbye one last time at the door. When James' dad saw him entering, tears of joy were rolling down his face. Before his dad could ask any questions, he wiped his cheeks and cleared his throat to speak. 

"Charlie told me he loved me. Asked me to be his boyfriend. I said yes."

In the blink of an eye he was in his father's arms, practically being crushed in a hug. He hadn't expected it, but it was the happiest he had ever seen his dad in his life. 

"I'm so happy for you, James. All I want is for someone to care for you, to love and cherish you like you deserve. I can tell he loves you very much - and I know you love him too. He's a sweet boy, with a good heart. As long as Charlie's good to you, I'm the happiest man in the world."

James nodded as he pulled away and looked into his father's beaming face. He looked like he could almost cry, too.

"Thank you. You're the best dad ever," he laughed, a few more tears slipping from his eyes. 

When he got back to his bedroom he wrote down everything he could remember from that day so that he would never forget it. He wanted to remember every single little detail for the rest of his life.


	2. The First

_ September 2012 _

A few months had passed since the day the world ended. Charlie's parents had been killed a few weeks back - a devastating loss for both James and Charlie. The boys had no guardians anymore, no one to look after them but the group.  
  
But the cruel world gave them no time to grieve.

The Whisperers were in the middle of another attack. James and Charlie had been given weapons, their own knives - and they were expected to fight with the rest of the group. There were no adults protecting them anymore.

Once the bloodshed started, fear took over. They held each other's hands, desperately looking for somewhere to hide. Charlie spotted a van in the distance and in less than he second he decided to run for it. He pulled James with him for a moment until their hands slipped, but he followed closely behind, running as fast as he could.

They took refuge behind the van, panting to catch their breath. Shots were ringing through the air, there was constant yelling - threats, insults, people begging for mercy, and then the strangled cries of those being killed.

James felt his body go numb but he could still see his own hands shaking as they crouched behind the van.

Minutes passed but it felt like an eternity.

Suddenly, they heard someone spot them. James was standing up to run when a man grabbed him by the collar of his shirt, pulling him out from his hiding place.

"C'mere, you fuckin' kid," he roared as James tried to escape, shoving and kicking at his attacker. The man was large and far stronger than him, but he fought with all his strength.

"No! Don't touch him!" He heard Charlie scream from behind him. He was faintly aware that Charlie had joined the struggle and he seemed to have bitten into his attacker's arm.

"Fuckin' - get off!" He screamed. The man threw Charlie to the floor and he landed hard on his back, the wind knocked out of him.

There was a clicking sound near James' ear and then he felt the cold barrel of a gun pressed against his temple. He stopped fighting and squeezed his eyes shut, paralyzed in terror.

_This is it. My life is over._

He could barely hear what was going on around him - he heard Charlie crying, pleading, gasping for breath in between sobs. There was another voice, too - an adult, one of the Whisperers, and he was angry, taunting the man who held the gun to James' head.

His knees were shaking so hard that he felt like he would fall if the man weren't restraining him tightly in his arms. Everyone's voices were muffled now, as if his mind was shutting down, blocking out what was happening.

The man moved the gun away from James' head for a moment but maintained a tight grip on the boy so that he couldn't escape. He took several shots at people in the distance and James thought he saw their bodies fall through his blurred, distorted vision. The shots were so close to his head that he flinched and recoiled, expecting to be shot any second.

The screaming between the adults was getting even more heated and James started to think about whether he should reach for his knife. If he tried to pull the knife he was certain that he would be killed before he could use it - unless he waited for the right moment. His whole body shook violently as his mind raced in terror.

_I don't want to do this. I don't want anyone to die. I don't want to kill a human being._

More gunshots sounded, more bodies fell. The ground was red. The adult Whisperer suddenly attacked James' captor, knocking the gun out of his hand. A second later, he was shot in the leg by someone in the distance and he faltered.

"James, _kill him!_ "

The man crouched down, lunging towards the gun on the ground. James tackled him, knocking him over onto his back, just out of reach of the gun on the ground. He struggled to hold him down and he felt Charlie beside him, helping him in his losing battle to overpower the man.

The boys were just too small, and after a few seconds, the man managed to pull away from James' grasp and grab the gun. He whipped around, fury in his eyes, and pressed the gun to Charlie's forehead.

Time seemed to slow. James saw the man's finger on the trigger, the terror in Charlie's eyes.

"Kill him!" The injured Whisperer screamed from behind him. "Kill him or we'll all die!"

Charlie recoiled and squeezed his eyes shut as James had moments before, his cheeks streaked with tears.

In a fraction of a second, James drew his knife and plunged it into the man's chest before he could pull the trigger. He felt the blade puncture through flesh and organs, warm blood spurting onto his hands. The gun clattered to the floor and Charlie fell with it, his small frame shaking.

 _Aim for the head_ rang through his mind. He pulled the knife out and thrust it through the man's head with all his strength. There was an unsettling crack as the knife pushed through the skull and into the soft tissue of the brain.

There was no noise after that. He couldn't hear any more. He gripped the knife and pulled it out, blood dripping from his fingertips. He looked up at Charlie. He saw the horror in his eyes, blood spattered on his face and shirt - but he wasn't injured.

_What just happened?_

A strange sensation took over James' awareness. He felt like he was no longer in his body, but a disembodied presence outside of himself. He was looking at himself, crouched over the dead man's body, breathing hard and shaking violently. The man's face was disfigured where the knife had pierced his skull - an eerie, disturbing sight, but he felt detached from reality, as if he was watching something that wasn't really happening. A numb static occupied his mind, blocking out everything else.

A voice came from behind him, but he couldn't tell who it belonged to. "Good boy, James," the person remarked, patting him on the back as if to congratulate him.

"Get up, Charlie, it's time to go."

The person pulled James to his feet and forced him to start walking beside his boyfriend.  
  
Charlie grasped his free hand tightly and their clasped hands shook against each other. The boy wiped his tears quickly, swallowing and forcing himself to put on a brave face.   
  
James didn't notice that his boyfriend was trying to meet his eyes as they walked. His mind was somewhere else entirely. He couldn't feel the ground beneath his feet or the hand tightly gripping his own. People spoke to him but he couldn't hear them. His eyes were vacant and unfocused. It was as if his mind had blocked out all sensations, all emotions. There was nothing but static.  
  
He watched himself walk away with his people, leaving bloody footprints in his wake.


	3. Charlie's First

_October 2012_

He didn't know how long it had been since he had killed that man - his first ever kill. All he knew was that the Whisperers, his family, were pleased that he did it.

Sometimes, late at night, when he was lying next to Charlie and pretending to sleep, he heard them talking.

"About Norman," one of them said, referring to the man James had killed. "Who offed him?"

"James did."

He could hear the sharp intake of breath from several people. They whispered among themselves, just slightly out of earshot. Though he couldn't hear the words, he could hear their tone - they were impressed. They highly approved.

"We might make a survivor out of him yet," one person remarked.

"Didn't think he had it in him," a woman added.

"We've all got it in us," murmured a gruff voice. "We just need to find it."

"Soon, the kids should be able to pull their weight. They'll have to - or they won't last."

James felt his blood run cold as the words registered in his mind. _If we don't kill, we'll die. Charlie and I will die._

"And Charlie?"

"He hasn't killed yet. But he will. Where one boy goes, the other will follow."

The Whisperers chuckled softly at that. They actually laughed.

James felt sick. Since his first kill, he hadn't been able to feel emotions the same way. There seemed to be a barrier in his mind, keeping him from feeling the pain even though he knew it was there. But some emotions pushed through, surprising him when they flooded his senses. This sick feeling was one that pushed through. A combination of dread, disgust, horror and fear running through his veins.

He hoped that Charlie was asleep, that he hadn't heard that. But when he dared to open one eye a crack to check on his companion - he saw that Charlie was looking back at him the same way.

Charlie reached out, feeling down James' arm to find his hand and he squeezed it tightly.

They stayed like that all night long.

He didn't sleep well anymore. He had never been able to sleep soundly since the world ended - but it was even worse now. When he closed his eyes, he would see that man. He heard his voice. Sometimes the man was coming for him - coming for revenge. His eyes were full of rage, so much that he didn't look human anymore. He looked like a monster.

Sometimes James was the monster.

In his dreams, he stabbed people and he didn't know why. Children, elderly people - everyone. He spared no one. He couldn't stop himself. They ran from him, screaming, but he found them. When he did, they begged for mercy. They begged for their lives. But that didn't stop him. Nothing did, until he woke up next to Charlie in a cold sweat.

He didn't know if he was relieved to be back in the real world or crushed. The real world wasn't far off from his nightmares after all.

He didn't know if he was afraid of other people or himself.

The words they had overheard weighed heavily on his mind. They weighed on Charlie's mind, too.

They weren't allowed to cry in front of the group. They weren't allowed to show fear or weakness. The only time they got to be alone together was when they went to skip rocks by the river in the evening.

When they were certain that no one could hear them or see them, they held each other and started crying.

By James' estimate, it had only been a few months since the world had ended. The leaves were starting to change colour like they did in the autumn and the dead had started walking in the height of summer. They were still small, still children. Without Charlie's parents... they had no family, except the Whisperers.

Sometimes they talked in secret about leaving, about running away. That fantasy never lasted long. The adults had told them many times that they would die if they were on their own.

Since they had overheard the adults, when James held Charlie he was always shaking in terror.

Between shaky breaths, he sniffed. "I don't want to kill anyone."

James assured him that he didn't want to kill anyone either.

"But what if someone kills us?"

For that, he didn't have an answer.

"Is it - is it as scary as it looks?"

He did know the answer to that one. It was worse. Feeling the weapon sink in, feeling the blood on your own hands and knowing you had ended someone's life...

But he didn't want to frighten Charlie even more than he already was. So he reluctantly nodded. It was the truth, just without unnecessary details.

They didn't know what to do. They didn't have a plan. They didn't even know what to hope for, if anything. The Whisperers had been clear. The only options they had were killing others or dying themselves.

Sometimes James thought death would have been easier. More merciful. But then he thought of Charlie, and he couldn't leave him. All they had was each other.

A few days later, the Whisperers executed their next attack. The boys were left to fight for themselves, unprotected.

If they hadn't been together, James might have died. An adult from the enemy group attacked him with a cleaver and he wasn't strong enough to fight him off alone. Charlie tried to pull him off of James to no avail. He had him on the ground, crushing the boy's chest under his body weight. James couldn't scream, he couldn't breathe - he was using all of his strength to try to push the man off of him, to keep his arms from bringing the weapon closer, but he couldn't.

He felt his vision fading and a second later he heard the disturbing sound of Charlie driving his knife through the man's head. Blood started to fall on his face, sickening and warm. The body fell on top of him and he frantically pushed it away and then looked over to his partner.

Charlie stumbled to his knees next to him, his hands drenched in blood. He was shaking so hard. He tried to cover his face with his hands as James struggled to sit up, moving slowly closer to him.

He was hyperventilating, in shock, unable to process what had happened.

It hurt James to see him like this. It terrified him. Seeing Charlie kill someone felt almost as horrible as he had felt when he killed someone himself.

He didn't want Charlie to change. He didn't want him to be different. He didn't want them to become like the adults, like their family. He wanted them to be children again. He wanted his dad, and Charlie's parents - he wanted school and holidays and homework and swingsets and parks.

But here they were.   
  
When he finally managed to pry Charlie's violently trembling hands away from his face, he looked into his eyes. There was blood all over his face, in his eyebrows, smeared across his cheeks.

He could sense that something inside Charlie was breaking, a fracture splitting through his very soul. He could see it in his eyes.

_This is how I must have looked when I killed someone. When something broke inside of me._

Charlie's eyes were unresponsive, numb static occupying his mind. He looked like he was seeing something horrible, like his mind was somewhere horrible. James gently shook his shoulder but there was no response - he just looked off in the distance, trembling, taking short uneven breaths.

It broke his heart to see him like this.

Two of the Whisperers pulled them to their feet and ordered them to follow, and Charlie did, but his body seemed to move while his mind stayed elsewhere.

James reached over to take Charlie's hand, hoping to comfort him even if he couldn't feel it. His hand was wet and slippery - still covered in blood. The feeling of the blood between their palms made James' stomach turn but he refused to let go.

He loved Charlie. It was the only feeling he had left in him that wasn't painful.

Suddenly he found himself swallowing hard, holding back tears threatening to overflow.

He wanted to cry for the boy he had once been, they boy he would never be again. He wanted to cry for Charlie, too - because he hadn't been able to protect him from breaking as he had. He knew Charlie would never be the same again. Privately, he mourned their past selves throughout the walk back to their camp.

His dad was gone.

Charlie's parents were gone.

Their old lives, their childhood, their innocence - they were gone, too.

All they had now were these people, their new family, as cold and heartless as they were - and each other.

He wanted to scream for everything they had lost.

It took all he had to hold it in until they got back, until he and Charlie had made it to the lake where they could have privacy from the rest of the group.

As soon as they were alone, they held each other and cried for hours.

"It's okay, Charlie," he whispered, trying to soothe the other boy even as he was falling apart himself. "We'll be okay."

There was no reply, but he hadn't expected one. He didn't know what to say after what had happened to them, what they'd been forced to do.

What could ever make that okay?

He couldn't think of anything. But no other words came to mind so that's what he kept repeating.

"I'm here, and we'll protect each other."

He squeezed his eyes shut and buried his face in Charlie's hair, hot tears rolling down his cheeks and soaking his partner's dark locks.

"We'll be okay."


	4. Weakness was a Poison

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger warning: physical child abuse, violence against children in this specific chapter.

_November 2012_

It was dusk and James and Charlie were getting into their sleeping bag. They lay facing each other, their arms loosely wrapped around each other's waists and their eyes closed. There was an attack planned for tomorrow, so they both had a jittery and anxious feeling in their gut that they couldn't seem to shake.

A month had passed since Charlie's first kill. The Whisperers were steadily becoming larger and more organized. Their leader, Anthony, was adamant about everyone pulling their own weight in the group. His words echoed in James' mind sometimes at night.

_"You don't get a free pass just 'cause you're kids. No one gives a shit how old you are. Weak people pull everyone else down with 'em."_

The group, their family, was structured around this core belief. The boys had been trying to learn as much as they could about survival from the adults who were willing to teach them. James' mind wandered back to one of the first things they were taught.

_"If one of us is injured, the easiest way to tell the severity of the blood loss is by taking the pulse from the carotid artery in the neck. If it's strong they still have some time and it might be worth trying to save them. If it's weak and fast, their chances of surviving are slim to none. In that case, you leave them behind."_

James remembered feeling detached from reality as he was listening. _This can't be real. This can't possibly be our lives now, can it? Choosing who gets left for dead..._

The gentle touch of Charlie's fingers running up his side brought him back to the present moment. They trailed all the way up to his neck and stopped there, pressing gently into his skin. James' eyes fluttered open and he looked over at his partner's face.

He knew what he was doing; it was as if Charlie had read his mind.

If they had to learn, so be it. They might die if they didn't learn these things. 

So he held still and let his boyfriend practice checking his pulse.

"Nice and strong, Jamie," he breathed, giving him a weak smile. Pretending that they were learning this for a reason that wasn't terrifying helped.

James felt like he should practice as well so he raised his hand to Charlie's neck and carefully felt for a pulse. It took him a few seconds to find it but when he did, it beat hard against his fingertips. _That must be what a strong pulse feels like._ It was a bit fast, like his own, but not enough to indicate anything abnormal. Charlie met his eyes and quickly looked away with an uncharacteristically bashful smile.

"Yours is, too," he whispered, moving closer so that their bodies were pressed together and the other boy wrapped his arms around him. He tried to focus on Charlie's hands gently rubbing up and down his back, but he couldn't control the intrusive thoughts that kept running through his head.

_"The best and most practical way of killing is by slitting the throat with a knife. It's quick, it doesn't require much strength, and it keeps them quiet so they don't draw walkers or alert other people. The first thing you should aim for is always the carotid artery on the side of the neck. From there, you can cut the windpipe easily so they won't be able to scream. They'll bleed out fast and silently."_

The memory of Anthony's words was enough to make him queasy. Later that day, the group had made them practice the motion of cutting someone's throat on nearby walkers.

First, one of the adults had tied a rope around a walker's neck and used it to hold it back a safe distance from the rest of the group. The sight of something that looked so similar to a person being held back like an animal had deeply disturbed James. But they had had no choice, the had to step forward and cut the walker's throat like everyone else. After a bit of practice they were ordered to head into the woods to slit the throats of walkers loose in a herd. 

He'd killed walkers before but that had been different - this was using walkers to learn how to kill human beings. 

He tried not to think about that, to push away the thought that he might do this to a living person one day. He tried to push the image of the walkers having their throats cut out of his mind, too.

It was impossible for him to grasp, impossible for him to accept or comprehend. Perhaps he was simply too young; he was unable to cope with the thought that this truly was his life now.

Thankfully, Charlie was there, and he didn't know what he would have done without him. The boys stuck to each other as much as possible, spending almost every waking moment together. No one wanted to take on the role of a guardian for them, so they raised each other as much as they could. All of their shared past experiences and time together had formed an unbreakable bond between them.

As the sun slipped below the horizon and darkness set over their camp, James pressed a gentle kiss to his partner's neck. He could sense that the other boy was grinning even though they couldn't see each other anymore. Charlie leaned closer and pressed a kiss to his neck in return, then his cheek, and finally his lips. They didn't need to speak; cuddling up close to each other was enough to comfort them and ease them into sleep.

\---

The next day, they headed south to the location the group had planned.

James was beginning to realize that he seemed to detach from his body, from reality itself, every time an attack happened. The fear was too intense for his mind to process. He went numb and his emotions felt far away, as if they belonged to someone else. It didn't feel real anymore.

When his mind was in this state of absolute terror, he found that he couldn't think properly. He couldn't process what was happening, it was like his brain couldn't understand it and couldn't remember it. He didn't know what to do when this happened. The circumstances and the way his mind reacted to them felt completely out of his control.

That night was the first time he made a mistake during an attack.

The group had underestimated the strength and skill of their opponents. From where he and Charlie had hidden, they watched several of the Whisperers, their family, being slaughtered.

A few other members of their group joined them when they realized the fight couldn't be won and that it was now a matter of trying to get out alive.

With the enemy just a few feet away from them, James and Charlie held their breath, trying their absolute hardest to keep quiet. When they had to breathe, they inhaled as quietly and as slowly as possible. They went a long time without being spotted and James prayed for them to leave with all his might.

A person from the enemy group walked past their hiding spot slowly, still searching for any Whisperers that might be left. The boys desperately hoped that the person had given up but then they stopped to take a second look behind themselves. One of James' shoelaces had come undone without him realizing it and it was just barely visible from the angle where the man was standing. But it was enough.

Gunshots fired in their direction and the boys scrambled to find a new place to hide as fast as they could. As they ran, James looked around to make sure Charlie was beside him. As if in slow motion, he watched as the Whisperer running just behind Charlie was shot in the head.

The horrific sight sent a jolt of adrenaline through his body and he pushed his legs to move faster and faster, running for his life.

There were more gunshots but he didn't look; he was bracing himself for the possibility of being killed at any moment.

When he reached a building a safe distance away from the gunfire and rounded the corner out of sight, he finally stopped and looked beside him and almost collapsed with relief at the sight of Charlie's face. They were both frantically gasping for breath but he didn't care, pulling his partner into a tight embrace.

He was still too afraid to be able to speak but _thank God you're safe, thank God you're alive_ kept running through his mind. Their chests heaved with every laboured breath and he felt the other boy's heart pounding wildly against his own, faster than he thought human hearts were capable of beating.

Thankfully, a few other Whisperers had hidden in the same spot as them and guided them safely into the forest so they could start the trip back home.

It was then that James realized the gravity of what had just happened. Three of the people who'd been hiding with them were missing - one of them had been a friend of theirs. He'd heard three bodies fall. He stared at his untied shoelace as guilt and dread spread throughout his body.

_I was the one they spotted. They died because of me._

He felt so horrible that he had to stop to throw up before they had made it back to their camp.

\---

  
As soon as they reached the camp, Anthony was enraged. He rounded on the boys as the rest of the group surrounded them. They all looked so angry and hostile that it frightened James.

"Which one of you two got spotted, huh? Which one of you got 'em killed?"

James didn't hesitate to speak up. He couldn't live with himself if he let Charlie take the blame for what had happened so he didn't give him a chance to talk. "It was me. I'm so - I'm so sorry. I didn't want them to die." His voice was shaking and he couldn't control the tears that had started to fall. "I didn't mean to - to get them killed."

There was a long moment of silence as he held his breath.

Anthony raised his hand so fast that he didn't even see it but he felt the impact of his knuckles on his face. The force of it pushed him back and he let himself fall onto the ground.

"Stay the fuck away from him!" Charlie screamed.

Everything was blurred through his tears but he could see that Charlie had immediately gotten between him and Anthony.

"Get the fuck out of the way, you little shit!" The large man's shadow fell over James' eyes as he stepped closer to them.

"No! I won't let you touch him!" James had never seen the other boy so angry in his life. He was visibly shaking with rage and glaring at their leader with utter hatred and fury in his eyes.

"Know your place! You're both fuckin' kids, you've got no chance. Now get out of the fucking way or you'll get it too."

James spoke up, his voice quiet and small in contrast with the others' shouting. "Charlie, please. I don't want you to get hurt -"

Charlie looked at him and then back to Anthony with steely determination in his eyes.

"You're not touching him." His voice was full of venom. If it hadn't been for his small frame and his young face, he would have been genuinely frightening. His hands had curled into fists and it was clear that he wasn't going to step down, no matter what happened.

Anthony narrowed his eyes, raising one hand slowly and motioning towards the boys. "Hold 'em down." He didn't even take the time to lower his hand before striking Charlie across the face.

"No - it's my fault! Don't hurt him -"

Several of the Whisperers surrounded them and restrained them before they had a chance to move. There were five people holding each of them back but James fought with all his strength against them.

"He didn't do anything wrong! I'll - I'll cooperate, I'll do anything, just let him go!"

The large man ignored him and started approaching Charlie slowly. "You've got some stones, I'll give you that. But it ain't worth much if you're dumb as a mule."

Charlie was still shaking but he looked enraged rather than afraid. He looked Anthony directly in the eyes as he said, " _Fuck you_."

James felt his stomach drop when he saw the look on the man's face. He was truly afraid that he was going to kill him. 

"Richard, he's all yours. I think I'd like to handle this one myself."

When he struck Charlie again, James screamed at the top of his lungs. "Let him go! Stop! Take me instead!" He was so focused on what was happening to his partner that he didn't even see Richard approaching him. He pulled so hard against the people restraining him that he thought he might dislocate his shoulder but he didn't care.

That's when the blows started coming. The force initially left him staggered and the pain came shortly after. He would have stayed still, he would have surrendered if he hadn't been terrified that Charlie would die. He kept fighting, trying to get to the other boy even as he was being beaten. All he knew was that he would do whatever it took to get that man off of him.

The worst part was that he could hear Charlie's grunts of pain as Anthony hit him over and over again. He was still trying to make his way over to James and demanding that they let him go.

Both boys refused to surrender, hell-bent on doing everything they could to protect the other.

James felt horrible in every possible way. He'd never felt so powerless, so small and insignificant as he did in that moment. No one would help them, it was him and Charlie against an overwhelming number of adults. They were restrained so tightly that they couldn't even move to fight back. There was no escape, nowhere to run, no possibility of protecting themselves. He felt like he was nothing. Worthless.

Eventually his legs grew weak, his arms tired, and he let himself slump onto the floor to catch his breath. Richard kept striking him and he wondered if it would ever stop, if they both might die like this.

Soon after, Charlie's protests stopped and he went quiet. He could still hear his laboured breathing, like an animal that had been fighting for its life. He'd clearly been fighting back and trying to escape with all his strength.

They were both silent and James hoped that it might finally be over.

"It's for your own good," Richard sneered as he stood over him. "It's how you'll learn not to make the same mistake again. To stop getting people killed."

"And it's how you'll learn to keep your fucking mouth shut next time," Anthony snapped.

He squeezed his eyes shut, trying not to make a sound when the man delivered the final blow to his chin. He heard Anthony strike Charlie one last time as well.

And then the beatings were over. The boys were released and the Whisperers spread out again.

James couldn't see well through his tear-filled eyes, but he started crawling in the other boy's direction. He was lying on the ground, unmoving.

"Charlie? Are you -"

"I'm okay, Jamie." He struggled to push himself up into a sitting position. "Don't - don't rush over here, I'll go -"

He'd closed the distance between them before he could finish speaking. They carefully pulled each other close and Charlie buried his face in his shoulder. Tears started soaking through his shirt.

They kept quiet as they wept, afraid of making any noise.

  
\---

They didn't eat that night. Instead, they waited until the adults had gone to sleep to take the few medical supplies that they needed and head down to their private spot by the river.

A wave of relief washed over them both as soon as they arrived. They could be themselves now that they were away from the group.

Charlie started rummaging through the supplies as James sat down and took off his shirt. In the dim light from the moon he could see the cuts and bruises on his body. He didn't even want to know what his face looked like.

"I'd never been so scared before in my life. I thought they might kill you." James' voice was trembling and tears rolled down his cheeks. He winced slightly as Charlie started cleaning the larger wounds on his body.

"I'm sorry," he sighed. "I didn't mean to scare you. I was just so fucking mad."

"Weren't you afraid?"

"I just kept thinking that I had to protect you, I had to stop them from hurting you. It's... it's like my mind blocked everything else out."

"I didn't want you to get hit, too."

"I couldn't just stay back and watch him beat you. I was already pissed off that they said you got them killed. You weren't the one with the gun. You weren't the one who decided to attack them."

Charlie moved to clean his face next, lovingly wiping the tears from his cheeks. "It's not your fault. It was an accident."

He swallowed and nodded, unable to speak past the lump in his throat.

Next, Charlie applied bandages carefully to the bigger wounds. He put a small one on James' cheek, underneath his black eye.

"I think that's all of them. I'll check again when it's daylight." He helped him put his shirt back on carefully and then sat down next to him.

"You're - you're everything to me, Charlie. You're my family, my life." James couldn't stop his voice from wavering. He meant every word and he felt them so strongly that he couldn't contain it.

The other boy leaned against his shoulder and wrapped his arms around him as he whispered close to his ear. "I care about you more than anything or anyone. Nothing else even comes close. You're my whole world - it's like you're a part of my own soul."

They both slowly leaned forward into a kiss that started out gentle and gradually became emotional, passionate. When they parted, they paused and simply rested their faces against each other, their eyes closed and their noses touching.

"One day we'll be older, big enough to protect ourselves. And then we can leave this place," James murmured.

"We'll drive far away - to a different state, where no one will find us," Charlie added. "We'll find a house, maybe some pets. We'll start a whole new life, just you and me, where no one can touch us."

He nodded, smiling, their faces still pressed together. "Where should we go?"

"I vote up North. These fuckers can't handle the cold. There's less cities, less people up there, too. That means less walkers."

"I don't mind there being less people."

"Me neither. I don't care if I never see another person again, as long as I have you."

"What about Canada? There's probably no one guarding the border now. There's way less people there than in the states."

"I like the sound of that. It'd be a long ass drive, but we'll make a road trip out of it. Like we used to do with your dad."

"We should find a dog to rescue before we go. A cat, too, if we can."

"We'll either have to find a pet carrier or one really cooperative cat," Charlie chuckled breathlessly. "But it'd be worth it. I know how happy it would make you, and that's all I want."

James closed the small space between their lips to kiss him again.

  
\---

They talked for a long time that night. They talked about their dream of driving far away, contemplating all the different possibilities and making jokes whenever they could. It was a fantasy, an imagined life that they might never live, but just the thought of it sustained them. Imagining themselves out there on the road, being free, being together and finding a home of their own gave them hope. It helped them briefly escape from the dark reality that they lived in to a place where they could be happy and safe, without fear of others.

As they talked, James cleaned and bandaged his boyfriend's larger wounds carefully. There were some big cuts on his face that he took extra care with.

He hated seeing him like that, bloody and bruised. It helped that Charlie was in a good mood after they'd spent some time together. They felt so safe and loved and happy around each other that they'd almost forgotten that they were beaten earlier that day.

Once Charlie had put his shirt back on, they lay down together. James wanted to cuddle up with him but he hesitated when he remembered how many bruises there were on his partner's chest. So instead he lay on his back and pulled the other boy close.

Charlie happily rested his head on James' chest, wrapping an arm around his waist. "Can we just... stay here tonight? I don't think they care where we go as long as we don't cause trouble for anyone."

He didn't have the heart to say no. "Okay. We'll spend the night out here. I wish we could do that every night but they probably wouldn't like that."

"You're right. But I bet they won't even notice if it's just one night - it's not like they're looking out for us, anyway."

That reminded James of the events from earlier that day and he forced himself to tell his boyfriend what he'd been thinking about since they were released. "If they ever hit me again, I want you to let them."

"What?" Charlie exclaimed, craning his head upwards to look at him. 

"There's no point in you getting hit, too. If I don't fight it - if I let them... it might not be as bad."

"You don't know that. It's not like those assholes were using logic when they decided to beat two kids for no reason."

He could see his point there. "I just don't want to have to be scared to death of losing you any more than I already am."

That gave Charlie pause. "I don't want to do that to you. I'm... I'm terrified of losing you, too. More than anything."

They were silent for a while, James gently running his fingers through his partner's hair while they thought about what to say.

"If they started hitting me... would you be able to stand back and let them?"

His throat went dry and his stomach tied around in knots at the thought. "...No."

"Then how could you ask me to do that? I just... I need to protect you. I couldn't live with myself if I let you get hurt. I don't regret standing up for you today. I'd do it again in a heartbeat. I'd do anything for you."

James swallowed hard. "I'd do anything for you, too. I... I guess you're right. I couldn't let that happen to you even if you asked me. Just don't tell him off if this ever happens again."

"But he's such a -"

"I already know how brave you are, you don't need to show me. I was afraid he might kill you for that."

Charlie took a deep breath, trying to stop himself from getting flustered by the memory. "Fine. I'll do that for you. But I'm still going to stand up for you if anyone ever tries to hurt you again."

"Okay. That's a good compromise." James pressed a loving kiss to his boyfriend's forehead and Charlie's heart seemed to melt at the touch. All his agitation vanished instantly.

"I've... had such a good time with you tonight. An amazing time, really. Even though we spent half of it cleaning each other's wounds. Just... everything feels okay when it's just you and me."

"I feel the same way. It almost feels like we're back in Washington at my dad's house. Like we're back to being kids again."

It had been so long that he didn't remember what it felt like to be a kid - or to be allowed to be a kid.

The thought was pushed out of James' mind as Charlie buried his face in his chest, gently nuzzling against his skin. The touch was affectionate, endearing. It was something that they used to do often at the beginning of their relationship, when everything was simple, hopeful and exciting. Feeling that touch again almost brought him back to that place, to that feeling. 

"I love you, Jamie. I always will, no matter what."

The words were muffled against his shirt and he couldn't help but laugh. Even on a horrible day like this, being with Charlie made him truly, genuinely happy. It was as if the light inside of him was seeping through James' body, warming his heart and making him feel fulfilled. He felt like he was the happiest person in the world in that moment.

"I love you, too."


	5. What Keeps us Going

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is a different format than I normally use, almost entirely dialogue based.  
> It's also way more fluff/happy times than any of the other chapters thus far.

_December 2012_

James and Charlie shared a sleeping bag for a long time at the beginning. It was where they both felt the safest. They wanted to be sure that their partner was safe and close by and it made them feel inseparable.

They set up their sleeping bag a few feet away from their camp so that they didn't disturb anyone when they stayed up late laughing and whispering to each other.

One night they wrapped their arms around each other in a tight embrace in their sleeping bag, so close that their noses and foreheads were touching. They held each other in silence for a while, their eyes closed and their chests moving gently together as they breathed.

"Psst, Jamie, you awake?"

"Yeah. Can't stop thinking."

"About tomorrow?"

"Yeah. I wish we could get out of it. I wish we didn't have to do it."

"You think pretending to be sick would work?"

James chuckled softly. "You were way too good at that."

"I feel kinda bad for lying so much. But I got to sneak out with you so it was worth it."

"Those were the best days I've ever had. When it was just you and me."

"They were for me, too. Maybe we should sneak out tomorrow night. Something to look forward to."

"I want to but - I'm already scared about having to walk in a herd for the first time. I don't know if I can handle being nervous about sneaking out on top of that."

"You know you're safe with me, and we never get caught."

"How is it that you're not scared of anything?"

"Oh, I'm scared shitless."

"Really?"

"Yup."

"About the herd?"

"Yeah. And lots of other stuff. I got so scared the last time we got separated during an attack that I - I started shaking and I felt like I couldn't breathe and -"

"Charlie..."

"Yeah?"

"You should tell me about things like this. Talking to you always helps me when I'm scared."

"It does?"

"'Course it does. I - I've felt like that too. You remember when I had that nightmare?"

"That was horrible. You were so upset and I felt like I couldn't do anything to help you."

"You did help. Just being with you helps. And you held me and talked to me, remember?"

"I didn't know what to say."

"You didn't have to, I just needed to hear your voice."

"Whenever you feel bad, I feel it too. Maybe I care about you too much."

"I get that. Whenever you're happy or excited or sad or scared, I feel it too. Anytime we get separated I - I'm terrified that something might've happened to you."

"Maybe that's why the herd's so scary for both of us. They said we can't hold hands."

"How am I supposed to keep track of you and the others? What if I get lost?"

"You won't. I'll - I'll go right behind you. I'll keep my eyes on you the whole time."

James intertwined his fingers with Charlie's, rubbing the back of his hand with his thumb. "I don't want you to get hurt if you don't look where you're going. If you lose track of me then... maybe we should have a meeting place."

"That old water tower by the ravine?"

"That's a great idea. You're so smart, Charlie."

"What're you making fun of me now?"

He laughed quietly, his chest shaking. "No, I'm serious."

"You know how bad my marks were in school, right?"

"Our teachers were idiots and the kids were even worse."

"The only thing I could ever think about was you. So technically it's your fault."

"I couldn't stop thinking about you either, or when I'd get to see you again."

"Other people don't get it. I don't think they've ever been as in love as we are."

"Maybe no one has."

"You're a big romantic softie, Jamie boy."

"You are too. You're the one who swept me off my feet."

"Yeah, well... you _do_ something to me. You bring it out of me. I... sorta go crazy when you're around. I feel too much for you. I can't think properly. You make me want to say things and do things that open myself up and no one else has ever had that effect on me."

"We're always together now, so what does that mean?"

"Oh, I'm pretty much out of my mind. I'm just crazy about you and completely hopeless otherwise."

"I'm crazy about you, too. Do you know how many things I've done with you that I would never have done in a million years otherwise?"

"How much do you think your dad would've hated me if he'd found out?"

"He still would've liked you. He knew how happy you made me, how good you were to me, and that made him happy. He could never stay mad at me and he could never have stayed mad at you, either."

"He was the best."

"He really was."

"Did you ever want to do anything that would've driven him crazy?"

"I, uh... I've always wanted to ride on the back of a motorcycle one day... Shut up, you're not allowed to make fun of me."

"Why didn't you say something, Jamie? We'll have to get one for our trip to Canada!"

"Holy shit, can you imagine?"

"It can't be that different to riding a bike, can it? I mean... unless you wanted to be the driver?"

"No way, I said the back of a motorcycle for a reason! I just wanted to hold onto somebody while they took care of everything. I... liked the idea of putting so much trust in someone."

"Do you trust me?"

"Not even a little bit."

"Hey! Don't even joke about that!"

James smiled as he pressed a tender kiss to his boyfriend's lips. "I trust you. Even though you'd almost certainly get us both killed, I'd still get on the back of a motorcycle with you driving."

"I don't know if that's trust so much as... blindly following my stupid decisions."

"It means I'd do anything to be with you - even risk dying an embarrassing, ridiculous death."

"Maybe you trust me too much. If you're not reining in my crazy ideas then who's gonna stop me from doing something stupid?"

"I tell you when something's stupid. You just end up convincing me to do it anyway half the time."

"How's this for a road trip: you and me, riding a horse all the way to Canada."

Both boys couldn't stop themselves from shaking with silent laughter.

"Just one horse?"

"That way we'll never get separated."

"Horses can kick you and bite you and buck you off, you know."

"I know. Might be better than certain death on the motorcycle, though."

"You know, I don't think it sounds half bad."

"Really?"

"For a date it might be romantic. For a road trip it's the worst idea I've ever heard."

"I knew you'd think it was romantic. At least we've got a genius date idea."

"You think it would be too, don't you?"

"You see right through me, Jamie boy."

"I know you have the softest heart, really."

"Only for you."

Charlie tenderly kissed the other boy's forehead and then proceeded to press messy kisses all over his face. James beamed, feeling incredibly elated at the display of affection.

"I trust you with my life, Charlie. You know that."

"Good. Just making sure you didn't change your mind."

"So where're we going to get this horse, hm?"

"There's a farm a few miles south of here. I know the way back."

"You - really? We passed it so long ago - I'd have no idea how to get there."

"When we saw it... I thought I'd like to bring you back there if I ever got the chance. So I paid really close attention to the route we took and drew myself a little map. It looks like shit, so you're not allowed to look at it."

"That's... the most romantic thing I've ever heard. The fact that you thought of me."

"It's not much, but it's the best I could do out here. It's hard to take you places when we're in the middle of nowhere... but I still want to. End of the world or not."

"I - I'm so... fuck, I'm so in love with you, Charlie."

Charlie grinned widely, laughing at the unexpected profanity. "I'm so in love with you, too. ...What was the 'fuck' for?"

"I was trying to think of a word for this feeling. 'In love' doesn't seem like enough so I got frustrated."

"It's okay, you know I understand how you feel." Charlie inched his face ever so slightly closer to rest the tip of his nose on his companion's cheek, stopping when he could feel James' breath against his lips every time he exhaled. "I'm... glad you like the idea. I was ready to play it off as a joke if you didn't."

"I don't think I could ever say no to a date idea from you. ...Can I please see the map, though?"

"I dunno, it's embarrassing! I'd like you to think of me as a half-decent artist, and that plan would be destroyed."

"I've seen dozens of your drawings. One little map isn't going to change how I think of you. Please?"

"I can't. I, uh, just remembered that I lost it. It was in my pocket when we crossed the river and it got soaked."

"...Don't make me call you Charles."

"Why would you ever call me by that horrible name, huh? What if I called you James?"

"You're lying to me. Really badly, too. But you're acting like you're serious about it! Did I ever say I had a problem with James?"

"...I don't know, I couldn't think of anything else! And... you didn't, actually. Why don't I call you James?"

"You just started calling me Jamie when we met. Everyone else has always called me James."

"...Oh. I guess I just... felt comfortable with you. Do you want me to call you James?"

"Nah, I like Jamie. It's sort of... intimate - you using a nickname for me that no one else does."

"I like that too. But I hate Charles so we can't do it the other way around."

"I could call you 'Char.'"

"...Why would you even say that? What did I do to deserve this? Will I ever get a break from you teasing me?"

"If you let me see the map you drew. Please?"

"Fine, I'll show you when it gets light outside. You know I can't say no to you and it's not fair."

"I just... it'll make me really happy. It means so much to me, you having this plan of where to take me, that I want to make sure I didn't imagine the whole thing. I probably won't be able to stop smiling the whole day. Which is awkward so I'll need to look at the ground and hope no one else notices how weird I am."

"If you'd said that before, I would've caved in an instant."

"Because you want me to make a fool of myself?"

"That part's tempting, but the real reason is because I couldn't withhold something from you if it would make you that happy. I'm not a monster."

"No, you're a softie like me."

"I'll fully own up to that. You won't get mad if I take you and all the horses are mean and won't let us near them, right? I have no idea what I'm doing, if that wasn't obvious. I'm just a dumb romantic."

"No, I won't be mad. I'd enjoy it even if we only get to look at them. All I really care about is being with you."

"I've got a backup plan. I swear I saw sheep nearby, too. If we shave one I could... make you... a hat or something?"

"...And you say I tease you constantly."

"It's not my fault you take my serious suggestions as jokes!"

"I could teach you how to sew with material we already have so we don't have to chase down a sheep."

"Chasing down a sheep is a great date idea, I can't even believe what I'm hearing right now."

"Sheep are pretty cute, I'll give you that. I just don't know about the 'chasing' part."

"Sheep watching, then. I could live with that."

"That actually does sound fun... Hey, what if we made sleds out of wooden boards? You know, like those ones they used to have in the movies. I think we're far enough North for there to be snow."

"You're a complete genius. If we made a two person sled then I'd even get to cuddle up to you."

"I'd like that."

"I would too. Even though I get to hold you every night, it'd be nice to... be with you, doing something we would have done in the old world. I wish we had the chance to do more things like that together."

"Talking about what we would've done or what we'd like to do... it means a lot to me, whether we end up doing it or not. I... I need you, that's all. As long as I have you, nothing else matters."

"I need you, too. You're everything. The best person there's ever been in the entire world."

"You know... I even forgot where we were for a while. I really did."

"Those are always the best nights, aren't they? I hope we can have more like this. Just you and me in our own little world."

Their lips met in a slow, loving kiss. When they parted James moved to lie on top of Charlie, resting his head on the other boy's chest. He felt his boyfriend wrapping him up tightly in his arms, sighing happily.

"We should probably get some sleep now, huh?"

"I guess so. I had so much fun with you, though. You always make me feel so much better."

"I did, too. Seeing you happy makes everything better for me. I love you, Jamie."

"I love you too, Charlie. See you in the morning."


	6. The Damage Done

_ February 2013 _

James didn't know what was happening. Someone was carrying him over their shoulder. The world was spinning. He felt weak, nauseous and disoriented. Suddenly the person put him down roughly and he finally realized that they weren't one of the Whisperers but one of their enemies.

He stayed still where they'd placed him, hoping to get a glimpse of his surroundings before they noticed he was awake. He moved slightly to feel for his knife to find that it was gone - they'd taken it. Next he carefully opened one eye a crack, just enough to see that he was in an unfamiliar camp with horses pulling large carts behind them.

"You sure this is a good idea, taking a kid?"

"It's the right call, I'm sure of it. We can mold him from a young age and he'll have no chance of escaping. He couldn't survive out there alone so his only choice will be to surrender."

"What about the other boy?"

"He's too far gone. Did you see him flipping out as we took this one? I don't think he can be tamed. This one, though, he had that fear in his eyes. We can definitely shape him up, use that fear to control him."

His stomach twisted around in knots when he realized they were talking about him and Charlie. All of a sudden he started recalling pieces of what had happened, like pictures flashing through his mind.

_"Jamie?" Charlie whipped around, looking for his partner among the chaos. "Jamie, where are you?"_

_The small boy was lost in the mayhem for one terrifying moment, but then he spotted his partner and started running to catch up to him. "I'm behind you, Charlie, I'm coming -"_

_The pain came out of nowhere and suddenly there was blood dripping down his forehead. Everything went black and he couldn't hear anymore, the only thing he knew was that he was falling and he hit the pavement hard._

Someone suddenly started pulling him back into one of the horse's carts, into an open cage. Terror instantly gripped his chest and he started fighting with all his strength.

"Let me go! Get off you fucking -" He kicked and screamed and thrashed with all his might but it wasn't enough. Several people had started restraining him and the cage kept coming closer at an alarming rate. Absolute panic shot through his veins like lightning as he frantically searched for any way out.

_If they take me I'm as good as dead. And I'll never see Charlie again._

He bit down into one of his attackers' arms as hard as he could and felt his teeth pushing through the flesh and the metallic taste of blood in his mouth. When they screamed in pain, he took the opportunity to snatch the knife from of their hand. He couldn't think, he couldn't breathe - he was about to die, all he could do was fight. 

With the knife gripped tightly in his hand, he swung wildly with no target in mind. He didn't have the capacity to think or plan. The knife cut through someone's flesh; he didn't see where he hit them but they screamed in pain and he felt warm blood spurting onto his hand. Then another person started holding his arm back, keeping him from striking again as they pulled him.

James slightly adjusted his grip on the knife and thrust it behind himself, stabbing the person behind him. He caught them off guard and managed to pierce right through their skull. As the body fell he bolted for the exit but yet another person held him back and someone managed to pry the knife from his hand. 

Without the weapon he was done for. Sickening dread spread throughout his body and within seconds they'd dragged him into the cage and locked him inside.

All he could do was scream at the top of his lungs, thrashing his body against the cage door in an attempt to break the lock on the outside. The cage wasn't big enough for him to stand upright so he had to crouch forwards as he beat against the bars. He truly felt like a wild animal as he fought against the cage with every ounce of strength he could muster. His captors talked amongst themselves as they left, taking the dead person's body with them as they went.

The cart was made of wooden boards roughly nailed together so he could only see what has happening outside through small cracks in between the boards. He kept beating the cage door and screaming for what felt like hours while they paid him no mind.

Eventually he had exhausted all of his energy and fell to the floor. He leaned his torso against the side of the cage as he panted heavily, feeling like he might pass out from lack of oxygen. His laboured breathing was the only sound for a long time as he waited for his body to recover from the exertion. His eyes scanned every part of the cage, searching for any vulnerable areas that he could use to pry it open.

There were none.

He started losing hope of being able to escape and wondered if it was even worth it to keep fighting against the steel cage. Although he'd caught his breath, his heart continued pounding frantically out of his chest with so much force that it shook his whole body and it refused to slow. Pure terror kept running through his veins as he sat still, making him feel sick because he couldn't do anything to try to reduce the fear. Every part of him was screaming for him to run but he couldn't.

Suddenly he heard screams from outside and his heart leapt into his throat. He scrambled to look through the cracks between the boards and screamed so loud that he felt like he practically tore his vocal chords from the force of it. 

"Help! They locked me up, I can't get out!"

He was shaking so hard that it was difficult to discern what was happening outside but he saw someone stabbing one of his captors and scrambling to grab the gun from the dead body after it fell. The person whipped around, aiming the gun at everyone he could see in the camp in turn.

James only realized who the person was when he heard Charlie's voice, screaming louder than he'd ever heard him before. "Jamie? Where are you?"

"Charlie! I'm in the back of the cart!" He suddenly felt lightheaded and weak, his body overwhelmed from the intense stress it had been under. He was still so afraid that he could barely think but he had hope again, he knew he would try to save him.

"I'm coming, Jamie!" 

Charlie started walking forward and it was then that James realized how different he looked to the boy he knew. He was covered in so much blood and dirt that he could barely recognize him. There was so much rage and hatred in his expression, so much anger that he swore he could see him shaking from all the way across the camp.

The first gunshot was so loud that it made him jump out of his skin. Some of his captors started screaming and running. Charlie aimed the gun at someone else and fired again. He wasn't accustomed to using guns and his hands were shaking so hard that his aim was poor but he didn't let that stop him, firing as many shots as he needed to get the kill.

People tried to escape, people tried to stop him but he shot them all.

There were a few people guarding the cart where James was being kept. When Charlie got closer to the cart he pulled out his knife while simultaneously keeping his grip on the gun with his left hand. He slit their throats one by one before they had a chance to touch him or move to escape.

James had seen a lot of death and violence before, but this sight left him shaken to his core more than anything he'd ever seen. 

It was Charlie doing this.

Charlie was killing them one after another after another... with no hesitation. 

He didn't look like himself. He looked unhinged, dangerous.

By the time he reached James he'd left a trail of bodies behind him. He bashed the cage's lock with the hilt of his knife and broke it easily. 

And then suddenly he was there, wrapping his arms around him and pulling him into his blood-soaked shirt. James was in such a state of shock and terror that he could barely move, he could barely believe that this was real.

The blood from his shirt started to seep through James' clothes as well. The sensation made him sick to his stomach. He noticed that Charlie's shaking hands were still gripping the weapons as he held him.

"Let's go, Jamie. You're safe."

When Charlie carefully helped him exit the back of the cart he saw the full extent of the bloodshed.

At least a dozen bodies were scattered around the camp, likely more. The people Charlie had killed.

They didn't speak as they made their way back to their people. James' legs shook the entire time; if the other boy hadn't been supporting him he might not have been able to make it back safely. Charlie wasn't crying, he wasn't showing any emotion at all, as if his body was operating on autopilot while his mind was elsewhere.

He started to feel a throbbing pain in his head and then he realized that someone must have bashed him on the head when they captured him. That must be why there was some blood on his forehead and stuck to his hair.

Charlie lead him directly to the river by their camp. As James shakily sat down he roughly discarded his bloody shirt onto the ground. There was blood all over his skin but it wasn't his own. 

He kneeled next to James and gently took off his shirt for him. The boy grabbed a towel from their supplies nearby, wet it in the lake and then started cleaning James' torso. The cold water against his skin made him tremble even more violently than he already was. Once his body was clean he got a new towel to carefully wipe the blood from around the wound on his hairline. Next he used the nearby medical supplies to disinfect and bandage the wound as best he could. They both stayed silent through his whole process, despite the burning pain from the alcohol.

Then Charlie began washing the blood off of himself. Something made James look away, unable to stomach the sight. His insides were still tied around in knots and he realized that he felt fear. Fear of Charlie.

_Why do I feel like this? I... I've killed people, too._

_But he killed so many, so easily. There's something about the way he did it that... scares me._

_He didn't look like himself. He didn't look like the Charlie I know._

_He wasn't scared. He was angry._

The boys made their way back to their camp and Charlie helped him put on a change of clothes. His touch was as gentle as ever but James couldn't stop shaking. Before he knew it he was lying down on top of their sleeping bag and Charlie's arms were wrapped around him, squeezing him tightly.

They were silent for a long time. James didn't know what to say. The other boy hadn't shown any emotion since they got back, which was unlike him. Something was clearly wrong. He wanted to say something but he couldn't stop agonizing over what his reaction might be.

After a while Charlie seemed to start softening gradually and he started lovingly brushing his fingers through his boyfriend's hair. James thought of how he felt numb and disconnected from reality during attacks and how he eventually came back into himself. _That must be what happened to Charlie._ There was a subtle change in his boyfriend's breathing and he thought he could sense his emotions returning as the disconnected state faded away.

Finally, Charlie pulled back to look into his partner's eyes. "You must have been so scared," he whispered, his voice trembling.

And just like that, any fear and worry he'd felt related to the other boy's actions disappeared and he felt so relieved, like the real Charlie had returned. He couldn't find his voice so he just nodded.

"I thought I'd lost you. The walls were closing in. I couldn't give up while there was still a chance I could save you but I... I didn't think I'd be able to. I was searching for someone who knew where they'd taken you... for so long. They wouldn't tell me until I - until I started killing." Charlie swallowed hard, his arms starting to tremble even as they were wrapped around his partner's body.

"I - I killed someone too," James admitted weakly. "When they were pulling me into the cage. I felt my knife hit someone else but I didn't see what happened to them. I knew I'd lose you if they took me so I - I fought as hard as I could but they got the knife from me."

"Killing was the only way to stop them. We... we had no choice."

"I know."

"I don't remember how many people I killed. I wasn't... it's like I wasn't there, like the pain and the anger took control over me. I couldn't feel anything. I couldn't think. You were gone and nothing mattered anymore, my life was already over."

A wave of deep sadness washed over James' body. The anguish they had both experienced while they were separated was profound. He didn't know how long he had been unconscious but the other boy had been awake and suffering the entire time.

"How long were you locked in there?" Charlie's eyes bore into his as he spoke. Although he hadn't been showing emotion before, he could see all of the fear and grief and pain in his eyes now.

"I don't know... a long time. I'm surprised I didn't break my shoulder from beating against the cage." He paused as the horrible memories flooded his mind. Then he took a deep breath, trying to keep his voice from shaking. "I thought I might die of fear while I was locked in there. I fought against the cage until I could barely move."

Charlie closed his eyes tightly. It was obvious that he was trying to maintain composure and struggling to do so. "Do you know what they planned to do with you?"

"No, I don't. Do you?"

"No. But it would've been bad. I can't - can't bear to even think about it. If I hadn't found you in time... would you have kept fighting?" Those dark eyes fluttered open, locking on his.

James' chin was quivering slightly as he answered. "I would have done anything to escape. Anything. I couldn't just... let them do what they wanted with me."

The other boy inhaled sharply and then sighed in relief. "Good. We can never... never give in to people like that. Even if we're scared... we can't let them use that fear against us. Assholes like them target kids on purpose - so we have to fight or else we'll die."

"I'm sorry I got taken." Tears stung his eyes but he tried to hold them back. "I'm sorry you had to come save me."

"You didn't do anything wrong. You could've died. Even the blow to the head could've killed you."

James became aware of the throbbing pain near his forehead again when he mentioned it. He didn't know what had hit him but it had obviously been some kind of weapon. Suddenly there were trembling fingers carefully pulling his hair back to take a look at the wound. The dried blood in his hairline and further into his hair was still visible since they couldn't bandage that area.

Before he could think of what to say, Charlie started sobbing quietly, falling to pieces beside him. He pulled his hands back to wipe the tears from his face, his bloodshot eyes cast downwards to avoid his partner's gaze.

"I'm never letting go of you again," he croaked weakly. "Never. Thinking I'd lost you - it was the worst pain I've ever felt. I felt like I was _dying_ , like my body and my mind were being shattered and crushed into a million pieces all at once. You're the only thing I care about, the only thing that matters. I can't let anything happen to you. I - I'd rather kill. I'd rather die."

He wanted to comfort him, he wanted to say something reassuring, but suddenly his mind was frozen and he couldn't find his voice.

"Jamie, I... I'm nothing without you."

The other boy desperately pulled James even closer, holding him tightly to his chest. He was beside himself, inconsolable. He kept whispering close to his boyfriend's ear even as his voice kept breaking. 

"I can't lose you. I can't lose you," he repeated over and over again.

He'd never seen Charlie this upset before, this devastated - not even on the night his parents died. Tears streamed down his face as sobs wracked through his body and it seemed like they would never cease. His grip around James was almost painfully tight, as if he was afraid he might slip away if he loosened it slightly.

Even though James held him tightly in return and gently rubbed his back as he cried, he felt helpless. He had always felt his boyfriend's emotions almost as if they were his own and he started to feel his pain. He desperately wanted to console him but their heightened emotions overwhelmed him and he felt like he couldn't think properly.

"It's... it's breaking my heart to see you like this," he sniffed, suddenly unable to hold back the tears.

Pressed tightly to Charlie's chest, James felt the blood pulsing rapidly through his partner's body, far faster than it usually did. His breathing was shallow and ragged and his body was starting to sweat from the overwhelming heat radiating from his skin.

He needed to do something to bring him back to the present, to reduce the stress and tension threatening to take over.

"Charlie... Charlie, look at me." He cupped the other boy's cheeks with both hands until his frightened eyes fluttered open and met James'.

"I'm here. It's over. We're safe now."

"What if what happened to my parents -" The gruesome, disturbing image of their corpses flashed through his mind and he pushed it away with all his might.

"We can't think like that. We have to think about now, okay? Just this moment, right now, you and me lying in our bed together. Nothing else."

"I - I'm trying to but it keeps - fuck, I don't want to see it anymore, but it won't..."

James gently guided his boyfriend's head down to rest on his chest, where he knew he would be able to hear his heartbeat. "Please... try to concentrate on taking deep breaths with me, okay? Just breathing in and out, at the same time as I am." He inhaled at a controlled pace, trying to fill his lungs completely before exhaling slowly. One of his hands gently stroked through the other boy's hair.

To his relief, he heard Charlie inhale at a deliberately slow rate and then his chest started rising and falling in time with his own. For a few minutes they lay there together and James tried to concentrate solely on breathing as deeply as possible and listening to the sound of their breaths mixed together.

Before long he could feel the heat and tension leaving his partner's body. He kept his head close to his chest, hoping that the closeness would help to calm him further. When the sobs had ceased and the anxiety had eased, he pressed a kiss to Charlie's forehead and started breathing normally again.

"You saved my life," he whispered. "I was locked up, with no weapon, completely helpless and terrified out of my mind. But you came after me - because you're brave and you love me enough to risk your life for me - and you saved me. I'm safe now."

Charlie's voice was soft but full of conviction. "I would die for you, Jamie. I... I mean that. And I wouldn't regret trying to... to keep you safe and happy, even if it killed me."

He couldn't help shaking his head, rejecting the thought. "I wouldn't want you to die for me. It would hurt too much, I couldn't -"

"I know. But I love you so much that I'd do it." He pressed his face gently into James' chest, trying to keep his breathing steady as he spoke.

James thought for a moment before replying. His stomach felt like it was twisting in knots but when he looked deep inside himself he found that he felt the same way about Charlie. "I... I love you so much that I would, too."

"You're my Jamie. The boy I met in sixth grade, who was smarter and funnier and kinder and stronger than anyone else. You're absolutely perfect. You're the best thing in this world - and the old world, too. I just... I always wanted to protect you, to make you happy, from the day we met."

"What did I do to deserve that?" Although he had never asked that question before, it was something that had been at the back of his mind for a long time.

"You make me feel... everything. Happy. Hopeful. Like I... have meaning in this world. Like I belong somewhere - beside you. Loved. Appreciated. Safe. Like it's worth it to stick it out through all the horrible shit that happens... because I have you. Even in this fucked up world... I feel so lucky because I get to be with you, to spend time with you and grow closer and closer to you."

He swallowed thickly, cupping the other boy's cheek to guide his gaze upwards to meet his eyes. 

"Charlie... you've opened up my heart like no one else ever has. Like no one else ever could. You... make me feel so loved, safe and appreciated that I've been able to show you who I really am deep down. That's something I could never share with anyone until I met you. And that makes me the happiest I've ever been - even here in the middle of hell, you still make me happy every day."

"I do?"

"Of course you do. I get to see you every day. I get to fall asleep in your arms every night. I - I never imagined our lives would be like this but... I used to dream about the day when I'd get to see you all the time, to fall asleep next to you, to share my life with you."

Charlie's lips curved into a smile, his eyes brightening gradually. "You always were a hopeless romantic, weren't you?"

"I guess I was, but I... didn't think I'd ever actually get any of those things I dreamed about."

"I didn't think I was a romantic until I met you... until I fell in love with you and realized that you had me completely wrapped around your finger without even knowing it. You still do."

"I was never great at... picking up on things like that."

"No," Charlie chuckled softly. "You weren't. My parents were able to tell right away, the first time they saw us together. How I'd do anything to make you happy."

"Really?"

"They teased me about it. Drove me crazy at the time, because I knew they were right."

"If anything, that's because you're brave enough to openly show affection. I was so nervous at first that I didn't know how to do that. Too afraid of... what could've happened if you didn't feel the same way about me."

"You're affectionate with me now," Charlie grinned. He finally looked like his old self again, like the pain and fear were no longer at the forefront of his mind.

"You bring it out of me. And I want you to know how much you mean to me."

"I'm glad," the other boy sighed. He lowered his head back onto James' chest, breathing slowly and evenly.

It was James' turn to squeeze him tightly, kissing the top of his head. "Are you... feeling okay?"

He could hear Charlie swallowing hard before he replied. "For the most part, yeah. You're right - I shouldn't... let myself get that caught up in my head. Not when I have you here with me. I don't want to think about the past, I want to think about us, being together right now. Thank you for helping me... get there."

"If there's ever anything I can do to - to comfort you or help you or make you feel better, I'll do it. Just say the word. I'll try my best in any case but I'd do anything you asked, for the record."

"You know I'd do the same for you."

"I do. And Charlie, I... I'll never let anyone or anything come between us. I'd do anything to stay with you, to get back to you. I promise."

"You're the best, Jamie. I promise, too. I'll do everything I can to take care of you, to keep you safe."

"As long as you know that I'll do the same, I'm happy."

"I know. Thank God you're safe and we're back together."

"I'm here. And I'm not leaving. You're stuck with me."

Charlie pushed himself up just enough to lean forward and press a tender kiss to his partner's lips. When they pulled back slightly, James kissed his cheek and the side of his face several times in a row. They both couldn't help but laugh quietly as Charlie lowered himself back onto his torso and they held each other close.

When their arms were wrapped around each other they almost felt like they were one person instead of two. Nothing could come between them when they were like this. They clung to each other tightly, refusing to let go even after they'd succumbed to sleep.


	7. The Monster

_ September 2013 _

By the time James and Charlie were fourteen they had grown significantly. They were getting stronger and more capable with each passing day but they were still considerably smaller than the adults in their group.The Whisperers were growing in numbers and planning more and more attacks.

One particular attack became one of James and Charlie's worst memories.

The boys had been holding their own during attacks for a while but they stood no chance against this community of highly skilled survivors. They were thankful for the masks distinguishing them from the other group because it would have been difficult to tell who was part of the enemy group in such extreme chaos. 

It happened so fast that neither of them knew what hit them. There was a jolt of white-hot pain through James' leg and he faltered for a moment. Then several people were grabbing him, pulling his arms behind his back and tying them tightly with rope. He was horrified to see that Charlie had been captured as well. Someone pulled their masks off to reveal their faces and one of the people restraining his boyfriend screamed suddenly.

"Fuckin' Christ! You nearby bit my fuckin' fingers off you piece of shit!" The man with the bloody fingers glared at Charlie and backed off slightly.

"Get your fucking hands off me!"

"Show 'em a little payback, Dave."

James struggled against his restraints but he was held back by adults that were far too strong. He could do nothing but watch as one of the men struck Charlie, leaving a bloody cut on his face.

There was so much screaming and death all around them that he could barely process what was happening, as if his brain had stopped functioning.

A woman named Meredith, the group's leader, revealed herself as she approached Charlie. "Now, since you're such a hotheaded boy, I'll give you the burden of choice here and you'll have to live with your decision for the rest of your life. Who should be our hostage - you or your friend here?"

Charlie met his eyes for a second and James' insides twisted around in knots because he knew what he was going to say.

"Take me."

"No! I'll do it, take me instead!"

The woman laughed a malicious, sadistic laugh. "I think these two are more than friends. That makes this even more fun for me." She looked between her group members and instructed them in a commanding voice. "I've got the hostage, so secure the other one. Can't have him interfering by trying to save him in the middle of negotiations, can we?"

"No, no! Charlie! Let him go you fucking -" James was quickly dragged away and he couldn't see where they were taking his partner.

The fear that he felt so often was there, adrenaline coursing through his veins like lightning. But there was something else underneath it - utter hatred and fury.

"Let me go you fucking bastards! I'll - I'll kill you - _I'll fucking kill you_ , you hear me?"

They paid him no mind and James kept pulling with all his might as they secured the rope restraining his hands to a tree. When their work was done they turned and left.

Once they were gone he stopped speaking, concentrating all of his energy on trying to pull free from the rope tied around his wrists. He was secured behind the enemy's side so that the Whisperers couldn't help him escape and he knew it was useless to appeal to anyone else.

The commotion started to settle suddenly and the forest grew quiet. James watched what was happening in horror. 

Both groups were gathered around a campfire. Charlie was being brought forward by the people that had captured him. The Whisperers brought their own hostage forward - a girl about the same age as him. In the back he could see two older people being restrained just as he was; they must have been the girl's parents.

Meredith stepped forward, sliced quickly through Charlie's shirt and tossed it aside, leaving his chest bare. _What are they going to do to him?_ James' heart was pounding against his ribs with so much force that he thought it would tear a hole straight through his chest. 

She roughly shoved Charlie forward, still restraining his hands behind his back, forcing him onto his knees. Then she pushed his torso all the way down until his chest and one of his cheeks was pressed into the ground. She held him down by placing one foot on top of him, digging her boot into his lower back.

_No... This can't be happening._

James couldn't hear what they were saying. His mind wasn't working properly. The Whisperers' leader and Meredith were arguing back and forth, other people occasionally getting involved by yelling from the crowd. This was what they called "negotiations."

All of his attention was on Charlie, who was staying silent with his face pressed into the ground. He swore that Charlie's eyes met his across the camp, his gaze determined yet terrified. James gritted his teeth and used all of his strength to pull against his restraints, his chest heaving from the exertion. He wanted to yell out to him that he'd save him no matter what it took but he bit the words back, looking directly into Charlie's eyes and hoping he would understand instead. Staying silent would give him a much better chance of escaping.

_No, no, no..._

He froze when he saw Meredith reaching into the campfire with a fire poker. She pulled out a piece of burning coal with the poker's tongs and pressed it into Charlie's back with no hesitation.

That bloodcurdling scream would haunt him for the rest of his life. The smell of burning flesh made him nauseous.

Tears were suddenly overflowing from his eyes and everything became blurry and distorted. He blinked them away furiously, using every ounce of strength and energy he had to fight against the ropes restraining him. He didn't care if he broke the bones in his hands or wrists trying to escape.

The girl's wails of agony came next and he saw that they had cut off one of her fingers.

Before long Meredith was retrieving more burning coal and pressing it into Charlie's skin again, leaving his flesh charred red and black. He'd never heard Charlie scream like this before - this must have been the worst pain he'd ever felt in his life by far.

It was the most pain that James had ever felt just to hear those screams. He wished it was him being tortured, he'd take the physical pain over watching the person he loved more than anything in so much agony.

He couldn't breathe, he couldn't think, he could barely see anything through the tears that never ceased. He tried to feel the bark of the tree behind him with his tied hands, looking for something, anything that he might be able to use to wear down the rope.

When he felt the jagged, sharp stump of a thick broken branch he frantically started rubbing the rope against it with all his strength. He felt the heat of the friction near his wrists as some of the rope's fibres started breaking. He was panting so hard that his lungs were burning but he refused to stop until he was free, until Charlie was safe.

It took a few minutes to break through all of the rope's thick fibres. His face was streaked with sweat and tears. Each time Charlie screamed he felt a jolt of horrific, unbearable agony shooting through his body.

Finally, _finally_ , the rope broke. It fell off of his shaking wrists and onto the ground silently. No one had noticed that he'd escaped from his restraints in the darkness. He pulled out both of his knives as Meredith burned Charlie again and he was consumed by uncontrollable rage.

_They deserve to die. Every single one of them._

He bolted for the fire pit, slashing anyone who came close with his knives as he went. He didn't bother to aim for the throat, he didn't attempt to kill them in the practical way that he'd been taught. He didn't care. He wanted them to suffer.

Thankfully he was fast enough that Meredith hadn't been able to react and he lunged at her, knocking her over and stabbing one of her legs. His knife went all the way through and sunk into the ground beneath her. He kept her pinned there while he cut Charlie's restraints with his other knife. Several of the Whisperers came forward to help Charlie up, protecting him from anyone who might attack him in his vulnerable state.

With Charlie in good hands James turned his attention back to Meredith.

_She deserves a horrible death. Slow and painful._

He pulled the knife out from her leg and stabbed her thigh again, feeling a strange jolt of satisfaction from hearing her scream. He drove his other knife into her shoulder, keeping his grip on it to hold her still while he stabbed her legs repeatedly with the first knife. The screams blurred together; he didn't know how many times he stabbed her but he didn't stop until her cries had nearly ceased.

Then he finally stabbed her abdomen, where he knew the wound would be fatal but it would bleed out slower than a wound to the chest.

The sight of her dying pleased him greatly.

When he pulled out his knives and stood up he saw some of the Whisperers helping Charlie into one of the horse's carts. He was grateful for their forward thinking; stealing one of the horses would help them tremendously with getting Charlie back safely.

He made eye contact with the two men guarding the cart and shouted out to them, his voice commanding and loud. "Keep him safe until I get back. Anything happens to him and it's on your head!" He'd never threatened anyone like this before but he wasn't going to let anyone hurt Charlie ever again.

The ferocious rage was like white-hot flames consuming every inch of his body, wild and ravaging. He felt an incredibly powerful urge to cause pain, to kill the people who had allowed Charlie to be tortured, and he gave into that urge. He didn't think he could have stopped himself even if he had tried.

He didn't slit anyone's throat. They were lucky if he stabbed them in the chest to give them a quicker death. The destructive rage dictated his attacks and he lashed out wildly against his enemies, not caring about how he killed them as long as they felt pain.

When he had the chance he stabbed people several times in a row, the sensation of the knives sinking through flesh giving him a disturbing feeling of satisfaction. Something about it... felt _good_ , which had never happened before. The sense of retribution felt _right_ , it felt like justice to him. The violence itself gave him a sense of control that he'd never felt before. The more brutally he killed them, the more pleasure he felt.

He didn't know how many people he killed. He didn't care. When only the Whisperers were left alive he started making his way back to the horse's cart, stepping over bodies as he went. He climbed inside and they headed off into the night, while James held Charlie's shaking hands.

\---

The wounds from the burns were horrific, the worst thing he'd ever seen. Two women helped him take Charlie to the sleeping bag they shared. He sat down gingerly on a nearby tree stump, gasping for air and grinding his teeth through the pain.

"Get me some water - and any medicine you can find," James ordered. As they scurried away he kneeled down so that he could reach over to kiss Charlie's forehead. The other boy leaned forward to rest his elbows on his knees.

"I'm so sorry, Charlie. I'm sorry I didn't get there faster."

"Don't - apologize," Charlie croaked weakly. "I don't know how you did it. Nothing holds you back, huh?"

They were both weeping silently, tears streaming down their faces. James leaned close to his partner's ear, his lips brushing against his skin as he spoke. "I love you more than anything. You're safe now. I'll protect you, I'll take care of you."

Charlie smiled weakly even as he panted heavily through the pain. "I love you too. Can - can I..."

James knew what he was going to ask. He couldn't wrap his arms around him due to the wounds so instead he held onto Charlie's arms while craning his neck forward to capture his lips in a kiss.

He was surprised to feel how fiercely Charlie kissed him back, despite the agony, despite everything. His boyfriend put that all out of his mind as he kissed the person he loved. The kiss was long and intense - the kiss of two people who loved each other desperately. Neither of them wanted to admit it but they'd been afraid that they might never have the chance to kiss again.

"That's what you were going to ask, right?" James murmured as they gently parted.

"You know me too well, Jamie," Charlie chuckled softly, his eyes full of love and affection for his partner. "I - I wanted to tell them off so badly. But I held it back - like I promised you."

"Thank you. You're... you're amazing." James started carefully brushing his fingers through the other boy's hair as he closed his eyes and let out a relieved sigh.

When the women got back, they poured a bit of cold water from the river over Charlie's back. He inhaled sharply and winced in pain, his chest still heaving with every breath.

"Does that relieve the pain at all?" The woman seemed genuinely concerned for him and James appreciated that.

"A bit. It took some of the heat away. Thank you."

"Anything else we could do?"

"We'll have to clean the wounds and bandage them. Any painkillers?" James asked.

The women both shook their heads.

James' expression was dejected. "I'll... I'll go out scouting in the morning. I'll find some, and some ointment if we're lucky. Thank you for your help - for looking. If you can bring me the alcohol and bandages, that should be enough for now."

\---

He spent most of the night carefully cleaning and bandaging the burns, being as gentle as possible. Despite his best efforts, he could tell that Charlie was in immense pain. 

"I wish I could take away some of the pain for you. I wish they'd taken me instead."

"No, I - I chose to be taken. And I'd do it again."

"You love me so - so much more than I deserve."

"That's not possible. And don't you dare argue with me about it."

When James had finished tending to the wounds, he brought up one of his partner's hands to his lips and kissed it tenderly. 

"I killed them all," he whispered darkly. For the first time, he felt no remorse. "As many as I possibly could. They deserved it. I won't let anyone touch you again - I'll kill them first."

"If anyone tried to hurt you, I'd kill them, too," Charlie promised.

These words didn't disturb them as they once would have. Instead they comforted them.

The numerous cracks in their souls were combining and forming large fractures. Darkness crept into their veins insidiously. They were losing pieces of themselves that they could never get back.

But they couldn't see that at the time. Rather, the rage embedding itself within them gave them an illusory sense of safety and control. 

James helped Charlie carefully lie on this stomach on the sleeping bag so he could rest until morning. He lay down on his side next to him and the other boy turned his head to face him. He reached one hand up in between them so that he could hold Charlie's hand.

He felt helpless - there was nothing else he could do for him right now but there was no way he'd be able to sleep either. So he carefully pressed two fingers to his partner's wrist, frowning when he felt the alarmingly fast pulse fluttering there.

"Your heart's beating so fast. It won't slow down."

"It's - it's slowed down a bit. Since we got back home."

"It's scaring me."

"It's just from the pain. The pulse feels strong, right?"

James checked again, closing his eyes, his hands trembling slightly. "It's beating hard. But it's never been this fast before, not even close."

"Fast is okay. As long as it's not weak or hard to feel."

"You must be in so much pain for your body to be reacting like this."

"My back feels like it's on fire. And I - I still... Even though you're here, I still feel like I'm back there and -"

James rubbed the back of Charlie's hand with his thumb, trying to comfort him. "Talk to me, Charlie. I - I want to help."

"I don't know if you heard. She said once she was done with my back she'd move onto my chest. And if we didn't give into their demands, she'd kill me."

"I didn't hear. I was losing my mind trying to escape. But I'm glad I killed her - and all of them"

"I am too. I think they'd come for me again if they could. Finish me off."

"They won't because they're dead. I promise you, you're safe. I killed her myself and I saw their bodies with my own eyes."

Charlie smiled weakly in the darkness, he could hear it in his voice. "And I promise you, I'm okay. There's pain from the burns but the rest of me feels okay. It's... sweet that you know how fast my heartbeat usually is, though."

"You know how fast mine is too, don't you?"

"I do. I can feel it when we're lying down and cuddled up together. It's the most comforting thing in the world."

"I can feel yours, too. When you pull me close to you." James leaned forward and pressed a soft kiss to Charlie's lips.

"I wish I could hold you right now. I miss it already."

"We'll figure something out, once you feel a bit better. As soon as it's not too painful, I'm all yours. I'll just have to kiss you twice as much until then."

"Nothing can replace what it feels like to hold you in my arms. But I'm not going to complain about kissing more."

"You can lie on top of me, too - I just don't want you to be in agony every time one of us has to move."

"That's... probably for the best. You were always smarter than me."

"You should try to sleep if you can. I'll be here watching over you all night. If you start feeling sick, out of breath - anything like that, you have to tell me."

"Okay, Jamie. I will."

"I'll go looking for medicine as soon as it gets light. I'll make sure someone looks after you while I'm gone, don't worry."

"I heard you threaten them before," he chuckled softly. 

"If I have to threaten people to keep you safe then so be it."

"My knight in shining armour. I... I feel really loved."

"Good. Because you are."

They shared a tender kiss and then James settled in as close as possible to his boyfriend's side without touching his wounds. As he watched over Charlie, he held his hand and listened to his breathing the whole night.

\---

When morning came Charlie was finally dozing off. James pressed a light kiss to his cheek and got up carefully. He made sure that someone was watching over him and then he headed out to find supplies.

It took him much longer than he had hoped. He felt frantic and frustrated as he searched through all of the nearby buildings. One was an abandoned office building, so he thought there surely must be some medical supplies in there somewhere. All he knew was that there were hundreds of desks that had belonged to employees and he hoped with all his might that one of them had left behind some painkillers or ointment.

He could have cried in relief when he finally found some antibiotic ointment. It was very lightly used, practically new. It was perfect.

He took a few other medical supplies that had been in the same desk as the ointment and headed back, feeling suddenly light on his feet and excited. He jogged the last part of the journey back, so eager to give Charlie the medicine that he couldn't wait a second longer than he had to.

Charlie was awake, sitting up and trying his best to get down a meal with the group when he got back. James roughly flopped down next to him, breathing hard.

The beaming smile that spread across Charlie's face at the sight of him made his heart skip a beat.

"I - I found this - and I'm s-so - so glad - 'cause it should help - with the pain - and it'll - keep it from - getting infected."

"Breathe, Jamie," the other boy laughed. "I'm so happy to see you. I... I can't believe you actually managed to find something."

"I looked - everywhere - and wouldn't stop - 'til I found it."

"You're amazing. You're perfect."

Then Charlie's lips were on his and he was so in love that his chest ached from all of the intense emotions he felt.

"Love you so much, Jamie. You've always taken care of me."

"I love _you_. When you're in pain I feel it like it's my own. It's almost like we're one person."

"One person split into two bodies. I've thought that too. I'm so connected to you that - I feel like you _are_ me."

"If you've had enough to eat, let me put the ointment on for you."

Charlie nodded and they headed over to their sleeping bag, where he sat down cross legged. James kneeled behind him, carefully removing the bloody bandages from last night.

He knew that the other boy was trying to be strong but he could tell how much pain he was in from his sharp, erratic breaths.

"I'm sorry, Charlie. The pain should only get better from now on, especially with this medicine. It... it might hurt when I put it on, though."

"S'okay. I know it'll suck before it feels better later."

James carefully scooped a generous amount of the ointment onto his fingers and started to spread it over one of the burns as lightly as he possibly could. 

"Just... just keep going until it's done. I can take it." Charlie squeezed his eyes shut and clenched his jaw, breathing fast as he endured the pain.

He tried to work as quickly and as gently as possible, covering every inch of the wounds with the ointment. When he was done he carefully applied clean bandages over the area and they both sighed in relief.

"How does it feel?"

"A lot better, instantly. It still aches but it's not on fire anymore."

"I almost cried when I found it because I was so relieved. I'd do anything to take away the pain for you." James moved to sit down next to Charlie, having to remind himself that he couldn't lean on his shoulder.

"You're the best." Charlie turned his head to face his partner and carefully leaned forward until their foreheads were resting against each other. Until they could embrace again, this would have to do.

"I can't explain how much it hurts me to see you in so much pain," James sniffed, unable to hold back the overwhelming emotions he felt. "It... it kills me."

"I can barely believe that actually happened to me. It's like my mind tried to leave my body to escape. Nothing felt real but I still couldn't get away from the pain."

"If- if I'd been faster I -"

"Jamie... you couldn't have done any more than you did. I saw you trying to break free and I know you tried your absolute hardest. You saved me. You killed so many of them. You could have died, you know. There were so many people between you and me, I don't know how you got to me."

"I ran really fast."

Charlie laughed breathlessly. "That's it?"

"I swiped at everyone who came near me. Don't even know if I hit them. All I cared about was getting you home safe. And making them pay."

"So many of them had guns on our family. I was afraid they'd shoot you if you came for me."

"I... I don't know how I got past them. I guess none of them were expecting me to come from behind and stab Meredith. Once I did, everyone started attacking each other."

"You're the bravest person I've ever met. You saved my life. You saved me from -" Charlie swallowed, choosing to skip the word instead. "You saved me."

"I'll take care of you, night and day, until you recover. That's all I care about."

Charlie took his boyfriend's hand and pressed it gently to his chest. "My heart's slowed down since last night." His lips curved slightly into a smile.

"Thank God," James sighed in relief. "I'll keep checking to make sure it's within a safe range. I can't let anything happen to you."

"That's sweet of you, nurse Jamie, but I wouldn't worry if it's fast. Just being close to you... even just thinking about you makes it race."

James pulled back just enough to look deeply into his eyes, feeling a lump in his throat that stopped him from speaking. The other boy leaned forward slowly, breathing close to his partner's ear for a moment before gently kissing his earlobe. He could feel Charlie's heartbeat quickening under his palm as their cheeks lightly brushed against each other. James' eyes fluttered shut and his whole body felt like it was tingling and hypersensitive. And then he felt his lips on his cheek and his soft breath against his skin and it sent shivers down his spine.

He pulled back just enough to capture his boyfriend's lips in a kiss. The kiss was slow, filled with desire and adoration, and Charlie kept his hand pressed to his chest the entire time. When they parted he rested his forehead against his partner's, keeping their faces close.

"You're not alone there. But as long as your pulse slows down again, that's okay," he whispered.

"What about you?"

"Me?"

"You haven't slept, I can tell. Am I not allowed to take care of you, too?"

"I'll... I'll lie down if you will."

After Charlie nodded in agreement, he shifted to the other side of the sleeping bag. As they'd grown, they had to replace their small sleeping bag with a larger one so that it could still fit both of them comfortably. It was really just a large blanket but they still liked to think of it as their sleeping bag.

As he lay down on his back, Charlie kneeled next to his head.

"Instead of lying on top of you, do you think I... could lay my head on your chest but have the rest of my body off to the side? So if you have to get up you can just slip out from underneath me and I won't have to get up."

"We can try it, I just... really don't want to hurt you if I accidentally touch your back."

"I'll be careful." 

James watched nervously while his partner slowly lowered himself down to rest his head on his chest and the rest of his body on the sleeping bag with his stomach down. Charlie sighed happily once he was comfortable, his head turned to the side so that he could smile at James from his resting spot on his chest.

"Are you okay?"

"Yeah, I'm fine. I just need to move slowly because of the bandages on my shoulders, but I feel so much better."

It made James so happy to hear that. He cautiously raised one arm up to slide his fingers through Charlie's hair. The other boy closed his eyes and he could feel how much he was enjoying the intimacy.

They lay in comfortable silence for a little while as he stroked his hair. Then, he slowly moved his hand down to his partner's neck and carefully felt for a pulse.

"I think your heart rate's back in a normal range again. I can relax now."

"Your heart was racing at first, but it's finally slowed down now, too," Charlie murmured.

He couldn't help but smile at that. "That tends to happen when you kiss me, when you're close to me. Told you you weren't alone."

"It makes me feel so close to you. Besides... if I can't feel you breathing or feel your warmth, I feel weird," he chuckled softly. "I only dozed off a bit yesterday but I jolted awake at one point because I couldn't feel you next to me so I thought you'd stopped breathing. But obviously you were out looking for supplies."

James cupped the other boy's cheek tenderly. "I know how you feel. We've spent almost every moment together for years now. I wish I could hold you but lying like this makes me feel so close to you, too."

Charlie moved ever so slightly into the touch, looking truly content and relaxed. It seemed like the first time he'd been able to take his mind off of the pain since it happened.

"It'll take a long time to heal. You'll have to stay back during attacks but I'll protect you. I'll scout for food for us so you can rest."

"I know it will. It's okay. I'm so... glad I'm alive. That you saved me. That I get to spend more time with you."

Those words left him speechless for a moment; he was so deeply touched that he couldn't find his voice. He felt down Charlie's arm until he found his hand and then brought it up to his lips, kissing each of his knuckles tenderly.

"I've always been yours, Charlie, and I always will be. You have all of me. My heart, my soul, everything."

In the blink of an eye Charlie pulled himself up slightly, just enough to lean forward and kiss him deeply. And then their lips were brushing against each other, his tongue was moving against the other boy's, and his chest was aching again. It was the kind of kiss they usually shared when words weren't enough to express all of the love they felt.

When they parted, he opened his eyes to see Charlie's lovestruck grin. He lowered his head back onto James' chest, nuzzled gently against his sternum and closed his eyes as he made himself comfortable again.

James held one of his partner's hands, letting the other hand settle near the back of Charlie's head. They whispered softly to each other for a few minutes, discussing that they should do when they woke up and repeating sweet affirmations to each other. Then, they gradually fell into a peaceful sleep, feeling closer to one another than they ever had before.


	8. Refuge

_April 2014_

The Whisperers rarely settled down in one place. They had always preferred to travel, making a camp wherever they went and calling that home for the short time they spent there.

On rare occasions they set up camp for a few weeks at a time. This only happened when they had a large supply of food and no need to move quickly onto the next destination. Those days were precious to James and Charlie because they didn't have to spend as much time focusing on survival. They were free to explore, relax and spend some time together before they moved on to their next stop.

Once they had settled in at their new camp, Charlie was eager to go exploring with James as soon as possible. It had been a while since they'd been able to have a day to themselves.

He lead James out into the forest and into the open field beyond it. They weren't as afraid of being separated now that they were older but they still chose to hold hands whenever possible, so they interlocked their fingers together as they walked.

It made James happy to see Charlie in such a good mood. He was smiling softly as they walked and he had a distinct look in his eyes that let off that he was up to something. It was the same look he had when he took him on dates or showed him something he was really excited about.

They walked in contented silence for a while, getting to know the new area. James was looking out across the field at a herd of walkers and wondering where they were headed when Charlie's voice broke through his train of thought.

"What do think we'd be doing in school, if it was still a thing?"

"I dunno. I'd probably be keeping to myself and skipping any after school activities so that I could spend all my time with you."

"You're so good at everything, though."

"Like... what?"

"Music. You were always good at music. And you had high marks too, without even trying."

"It's been so long that I forgot I used to play - well, I was learning to play a few things. I always liked reading, I guess."

"I liked reading too but I didn't learn much from it," Charlie laughed.

"You didn't miss much in school. Besides, you're a free spirit. I was always more... quiet. Shy, I guess you'd say."

"You were absolutely adorable. I think I fell in love with you the first time I saw you. I knew we'd be best friends."

"I thought you were kinda nuts. And intimidating."

"Are you serious?" They both started laughing so hard they could barely breathe. "What - _why_?"

"I - I didn't understand why you wanted to be friends with me when you didn't know me. Why you'd pick me over the other kids. And you were so - _confident_ about everything. You weren't shy like me, you were fearless in my eyes."

"I liked you. The other kids were assholes who barely had half a brain to split between the rest of the class. Seriously, though, it was like they didn't even have any thoughts."

"I know what you mean. They believed what they were told and didn't question anything or think for themselves."

"Exactly. I always had decent intuition. I could tell you were different. I didn't know you thought I was crazy and intimidating, though."

"I think I was just... nervous. And people who weren't nervous seemed scary to me."

"I was excited to find someone like you. You were reserved, but I knew there was so much more to you than that."

"I didn't see what you saw in me, I guess."

"You're smart as hell, for starters. Not just in school - in life, too. You understand things and you can figure things out way better than I ever could. And I could tell you were kind - that you cared about things."

"You're smart and kind, too."

"That's debatable."

James elbowed him playfully. "You always helped me out when I needed it, and the other kids, too. Even the ones you didn't like. And you passed everything - you just seemed to naturally know things - without even opening a textbook. I could sense that you cared about me from very early on, even if I didn't understand why you'd picked me."

"It's impossible for me to _not_ care about you. Everything about you makes me love you. When did you start liking me, then?"

"I always liked you. I was just confused and... not used to someone wanting to hang out with me or doing nice things for me. It was hard for me to believe that you just liked me for me. I should have known you were genuine from the start."

"I might have come on a little strong, I'll give you that. I didn't want to play any of those games people do... like playing 'hard to get' and shit like that. I thought you were the coolest person I'd ever met. I didn't see the point in hiding that."

"You're not afraid to be yourself, to show how you feel. That sort of blows my mind. I wish I was like that."

"You're yourself with me, right?"

"Only with you. I've gotten a little better at being open with other people, but I've only ever... opened up completely with you."

"I'm glad you let me in, let me get to know you. It's the best thing that's ever happened to me."

"Me, too."

"By the way, way to go being the most romantic person ever, Jamie. I should give you an award."

"We have lots of romantic moments. I can't help but ruin some of them!"

"It's part of your charm. I wouldn't change a thing about you. You know that."

"Are you going to tell me where you're taking me today?"

"Right, I forgot. Did you like science class when we were in school?"

"Uh... Yeah, I think so? I liked most subjects. What does that have to do with anything?"

"I thought we could do a science class today. A fake... really weird, messed up, gross one."

James' expression was so bewildered that Charlie couldn't help but laugh.

"You know how they used to do dissection in science classes? Like, in high schools, I think. On frogs and stuff."

"...Yeah? Are you telling me you want to catch frogs and cut them open?"

"Nah, way too much effort. And we don't have to study animals, we have the real thing. Dead people all around us."

"Oh. You want to cut open a walker?"

"Not just cut it open, study it."

"That does sound interesting but... we have no idea what we're doing. We're not scientists or doctors or whatever people used to cut up bodies."

"We'll figure it out. Trust me."

His dark eyes locked on James'. He could never say no to those eyes.

Charlie drew one of his knives and quietly approached one of the walkers in the open field they were walking through. He skillfully pierced its skull with his knife with barely any effort and kneeled down next to it.

"Probably don't want it making noise while we're doing this."

James kneeled down on the other side of the walker as Charlie retrieved the knife from its head. They looked at each other through the holes of their masks. Even with their faces obscured, they could tell how the other person was feeling from their eyes alone.

"You alright with doing this, Jamie?"

"We can try. I... guess we should peel back the skin first?"

"We know how to do that, see? Piece of cake."

The boys sliced through the skin surrounding the walker's chest and then cut a straight line down over the sternum. They peeled the skin back the same way they would when they were making the masks their family wore.

As the walker's ribcage became exposed, James thought it must be a fairly fresh walker because it seemed relatively intact. No bones were broken and the muscles and flesh hadn't decayed significantly yet.

"Any ideas for how we can get inside the ribcage?" Their knives were sharp, but they knew it would be difficult to cut through bones.

Charlie examined the walker as he pondered. "We're going to have to break the bones somewhere. Either the sternum or on the side. If we break 'em from the side we'll be able to pull the whole chest wall out so we can see everything."

James watched as Charlie whacked the walker's ribs with the hilt of his knife.

"Fuck, they didn't break."

"Let me try." 

James steadied his knife and smashed the walker's ribs with a considerable amount of force. 

"Got a few breaks. You need to smash them straight on and hard but not with all your strength."

The other boy copied James' technique and successfully broke several ribs in one go. He wasted no time and got to work breaking the rest of the ribs. "Told you we'd figure it out, see? Well... you figured it out, but I knew between the two of us, at least one of us would."

The process was more difficult than they'd anticipated. Breaking all of the ribs and cutting around the perimeter of the chest wall was tiring, but it was worth it to see how excited Charlie was when they were done.

"I think we can take out the whole thing now. It'll be a bit rotten inside but it's gonna be so cool!"

James smiled and let him do the honours. The chest wall came out smoothly, revealing rotting internal organs.

"Holy shit. It's like in the textbooks, but everything's more grey than red."

"I think it's the blood that makes things red, not the stuff itself. I'd never thought about it but I guess the blood drains out of walkers eventually and they turn more grey."

"That's insane. So our actual organs wouldn't be red if all the blood was taken out?"

"I don't think so. We can check that science book we found when we're at home."

"... Fuck, I should have brought it, shouldn't I? Goddamnit."

"S'okay. We'll just figure it out ourselves. Like we're the first scientists or something."

Although he'd been skeptical at first, James found himself fascinated by the sight before him. He'd never seen anything like it. Seeing how all of the organs actually looked in their natural placement inside the body was astounding. 

"Alright, who wants to cut out the heart?"

"You go ahead, Charlie. I'll work on one of the lungs."

Everything was more difficult to remove than they'd expected. The organs were held in place by tissues and ligaments attaching them to the back of the body. Charlie started carefully slicing through the pericardium and then the veins and arteries connected to the top of the heart while James slowly cut the pleura open to reveal the lungs themselves.

"There are so many veins attached - Christ, I might never get it out."

"I think you're missing one on my side. I'll get it." James sliced through the last vein, allowing his partner to lift the heart out of the chest.

"Are women's hearts smaller than men's?" Charlie pondered as he examined the organ closely.

"Yeah, I think so. Their lungs are smaller, too."

"I almost forgot this was a female walker and I was surprised by how small it was. I guess some women are really small, huh?"

"They can be. We're already a lot taller than the women in our family and we're not fully grown."

"Look how huge the main veins and arteries are. You can see small ones on the outside, too."

He leaned over the walker to take a closer look. Charlie was right - the main veins and arteries on top were almost as big as the heart itself. Thin veins branched out along the outside of the heart, tiny in comparison to the large ones.

"The ones on the outside are the coronary arteries, I think," he smiled. "I can't believe you're holding a real human heart. You were right, this is pretty cool."

"I knew you'd get into it! I'm gonna get a cross section of this thing."

He couldn't help but laugh happily when he saw Charlie's enthusiasm. While he tried for figure out the best place to cut the heart, James worked on removing the right lung from the pleura and then out of the chest cavity.

"Holy crap," he breathed as he pulled it out. "Lungs are insanely huge - look at this thing!"

"Whoa!" Charlie leaned forward and touched the lung carefully. "It's so weird - why is it so squishy? What the fuck - is that normal?"

They started laughing uncontrollably again.

James put the lung back down as he tried to get his breathing under control. "I have no idea. It's all floppy because it's deflated but it would probably feel different it if was filled with air."

"It'd probably be twice as big in that case. Wait - why's it got cuts in it already?"

"These? Maybe they're sections or something... looks like the other lung has a cut, too."

"I wonder if we learned this in school and I wasn't paying attention."

"I don't remember it either."

"You should try cutting it vertically."

"Good idea."

He was only halfway done slicing through the lung when Charlie's gasp grabbed his attention.

"This is so fuckin' cool - you can see the heartstrings and everything!" Charlie carefully passed one half of the sliced heart to James for him to see.

It was really something. He brushed his fingers lightly over the heartstrings, feeling their ridges. A small flap near the top caught his attention and he pointed it out to his boyfriend. "That's one of the valves up there. You made a really good cross section, holy shit," he grinned as he passed it back to him.

Charlie gently touched the valve with his fingertips. "It's so thin but it feels so strong at the same time."

"It's crazy to think that our hearts would look like this too."

"Was it ever possible to look at your own organs while you're still alive?" They both chuckled softly at how strange the conversation was.

"They used to do open heart surgery - I think they'd usually stop the heart but sometimes they let it keep beating."

"Oh yeah, I remember that now. I wonder how the hell that worked." 

"On second thought, looking at your own organs working while you're still alive sounds like a nightmare. Like waking up during surgery or something."

He could tell that Charlie was scrunching his nose up beneath his mask. "I don't know why that's so gross and horrifying but it kinda is." He gently put the heart back inside the walker's chest.

Next, they both leaned forward as James finished cutting open the lung and they examined it together.

"Well, that's anticlimactic. It looks practically the same as it does on the outside." Charlie moved closer to get a better look.

"There's a few larger holes here and there but that's it. Uh... the bronchi, maybe? Is that what it's called?"

"Sounds right to me. How does it expand so much when you breathe if it looks solid inside? I guess the little alveoli are too small to see? I don't even know if that's the right word."

"We really have no clue what we're doing, huh?" James chuckled.

"Lungs are weird magic, that's the only explanation. This huge thing -" Charlie gestured towards one of the organs below the lungs. "It's the liver, right?"

"Must be. I didn't know it was so massive."

"I'll try to get it out if you want to get the stomach." They went back to work, concentrating hard on trying to remove the organs without damaging them. 

James cut the end of the esophagus and the intestine attached to the stomach and removed it. A sickening stench hit both of them and they started coughing.

"Okay - that's where all the smell comes from. You think we'd be used to it by now."

"Can you believe how small it is? How do we fit so much food inside there? Well, not so much anymore, but in the old world we used to eat a lot of food. Especially you," James teased.

"My body's like a black hole or something."

"You were always so skinny, too. Hey - what the hell are those?" He pointed towards two small, oddly shaped organs that had just come into view as Charlie removed the liver.

"Uh..."

They both looked at each other silently for a long moment and then burst into uncontrollable laughter.

"What the hell? I don't even have a guess for what these things are. What the actual fuck?"

"How did I not know there were more organs behind the liver? Why didn't anyone ever tell us about this?"

"Maybe they're like... new? Or only some people have them? Or they're useless?"

"This is pretty embarrassing, Charlie, let's face it."

"We're only like..." He stopped to think and James had to stifle more laughter. "We're fifteen. I knew that. ...Is that how old we are?"

"Yeah, I think so. You got it in under ten seconds, too."

"Why thank you. I am a scientist after all. Just super knowledgeable about all types of stuff." Charlie placed the liver back inside the walker's chest and then looked back to James, a mischievous glint in his eyes. "Should we try to look at the intestines or are we too afraid of the smell?"

"It should be a lot easier than opening the ribcage. I'm up for it if you are, Mr. Scientist." 

That was one of his favourite things about being with Charlie. From the day they met, he'd helped to bring James out of his shell, even if it was only around him. He encouraged him to try new things, to open his heart up to some of the experiences that life had to offer. 

James didn't know who he would be if he hadn't met Charlie. 

The boys managed to cut through the skin covering the abdomen fairly easily and they pulled it back to reveal the abdominal muscles and a layer of fat. Once they'd pulled back those layers the intestines came into view.

Charlie wrinkled his nose again. "They smell even worse. I guess that makes sense. It is where shit's made."

"I don't know if 'digesting food' and 'making shit' are the same thing, but close enough, I guess. You weirdo." He affectionately elbowed Charlie's side.

When James leaned forward to get a closer look, he saw something he wasn't expecting. "They're attached to something. Some kind of... tissue. It's holding it in place."

"Really?" The other boy leaned in to get a look as well. "Well, add that to the list of things nobody ever told us about."

"I have a feeling cutting the intestines open would smell even worse."

"You're right. Who knows what could be in there. It's cool from the outside, that's good enough for me."

They lowered the layer of muscle and fat back on top and felt a wave of relief when it covered up the smell.

"This was a really good idea, Charlie. It was a lot cooler than I thought it would be."

"Told you. Cutting open walkers together is a great date idea. I don't know why you ever doubted me, but I guess I'll forgive you."

As they were beginning to head home, James reached up to pull off his own mask and then he carefully removed Charlie's too. He wrapped the other boy tightly up in his arms and kissed him deeply, feeling him eagerly leaning into the touch. It was as if he could feel the happiness and excitement that sparked through his partner's body seeping into his own. Every time he kissed Charlie like this he could practically feel the joy radiating from him. His beaming smile when he pulled away made it very clear.

And he felt so loved.

"How about we go wash up in the river?" James meant for it to sound romantic so he didn't mention the fact that they needed to wash their hands from touching the insides of a walker.

"You read my mind."

There was a river close to their camp that most of the Whisperers used but they had another river in mind. There was one less than a mile away that would be private, so that's where they headed.

As soon as they got there, Charlie removed all of his clothes except for his underwear and James followed suit. He was the type of person who felt self conscious being shirtless in front of other people, but Charlie was an exception. Somehow, he made him feel comfortable and safe.

They cleaned themselves up with the few cleaning supplies they had stashed nearby. James noticed Charlie watching him with an uncharacteristically bashful smile as he rinsed out his hair and he froze.

"What?"

"Your hair's getting really long."

"Oh," James swallowed. "Are you implying something? You're looking at me weird."

"I was just thinking that it looks really good on you. It'd look really good tied back, too."

"It's not _that_ long - hey! What are you -"

Charlie reached up and carefully gathered most of James' hair, holding it together by the back of his head. "It's totally long enough. I really like it."

He could have sworn that Charlie's cheeks were flushed a subtle shade of pink. That reminded him of how warm his own cheeks felt.

"It doesn't all stay up, though."

"Doesn't matter. Looks better that way, I think. You always complain about how annoying your hair is when it gets in your eyes, anyway."

"Well, it gets really windy sometimes - and I don't _always_ complain..."

"Would you let me try it on you when we get home? It's just a test run! We're not cutting it or anything."

"I..." James sighed, hanging his head slightly. "Fine. Only when we're alone, though. I don't want everyone to laugh at me if it looks bad."

"If you insist, but I'm sure it won't."

Charlie took his partner's hand and lead him up to a clear landing just over the hill near the lake - the only decent place to sit. They usually laid out towels ahead of time so they could rest for a while when they wanted to.

While they were walking James caught sight of the burn scars on Charlie's back. Even though it had happened a long time ago, even though they were healed, it still hurt to be reminded of that night. He was glad Charlie couldn't see them. 

When they arrived they saw that the landing was covered in lush green grass and they had a nice view of the river below them. They sat down and their shoulders brushed. Charlie leaned close to rest his head on his boyfriend's shoulder and they both wrapped one arm around each other.

James closed his eyes, letting himself feel content in the moment. He listened to the river running mixed with Charlie's breathing. He felt the other boy lightly grazing his skin with his fingers and it gave him goosebumps and sent shivers down his spine. Every once in a while, when they were hanging out shirtless by the river, Charlie would do this - he'd trace his fingers lightly over each of James' ribs, one at a time.

The touch was intimate, personal. It also felt so good that James never wanted him to stop.

His mind drifted back to their time studying the walker's organs and he couldn't help but smile. "You always were a science nerd, weren't you, Charlie?"

"I compliment your hair and that's what I get in return?"

"It's cute - how excited you were. Reminded me of when we were kids."

"You were excited too."

"I was. I... I really liked it. My favourite part was seeing you so happy, though."

Charlie squeezed him tightly, nuzzling against his boyfriend's neck affectionately. "I guess I always thought anatomy was cool but I was more excited about getting to share it with you."

James buried his face in the other boy's hair, feeling a few strands moving with his breath every time he exhaled. They held each other close and his mind went blank. All he could think about was how he could feel Charlie's chest expanding and contracting slowly with each breath he took.

"Jamie... we're both bony little things, aren't we?"

"What?" He laughed, grinning widely.

"We're so damn skinny. We always have been, but we're even skinnier now. I can see your ribs and even the bumps of your spine." Charlie gently traced his fingers up and down his spine with his other hand.

"I can see your ribs, too. And your spine."

"That's why I said both of us," he chuckled. "Maybe one day we'll be able to eat enough to put some weight back on. Wouldn't that be somethin'."

James sighed happily at the thought. "That would be. I still have dreams that we're at my dad's food truck, trying to shove down an entire ice cream cone before he noticed that we stole them."

"Oh, the brainfreeze."

"And then we'd both whine about getting brainfreeze. What a bunch of brats."

Charlie laughed and it was such a beautiful sound. He could feel it vibrating inside his own body, spreading warmth and happiness from his chest out towards his fingers and toes. 

"My parents preferred the word 'twerps'."

While they were talking, Charlie moved to lie down on the towels and James curled up next to him with his head on the other boy's shoulder. He rested one hand on Charlie's chest, watching his fingertips tracing up and down his sternum as they talked.

"I remember that. God, I don't know who we stole more from, my dad or your parents."

"Probably your dad. He never got mad at us, not even once. He was... literally a complete angel."

James' heart swelled and his throat tightened. Hearing Charlie speak so fondly of his dad always touched him deeply. The feeling of soft lips being pressed to his hairline brought him back out of his thoughts.

"We should make it our mission to make something from back then. To find all the ingredients."

"What do you think would be... possible?"

"Cake. What? Sorry, I thought you asked what I'd want to make the most." Charlie's chest shook under James' hand as he laughed.

"I wish. God, that would be the best... If we could make anything with sugar, I might die of happiness."

"At least we know sugar doesn't go bad - uh, not for a long time at least. We might find it someday."

James smiled contentedly, carefully tracing his fingers along Charlie's ribs as they talked. There was something so comforting and mesmerizing about the motion and the light touch of his skin and he wondered why he'd never thought to try this before.

"Fuck, I just thought of chocolate."

"Don't even say it, Jamie, you know we don't use that word!"

"I'm sorry, my mind slipped! What about, uh... bacon?"

"We'll probably find a live pig before we find bacon. What a horrible fucking world."

It was amazing how Charlie was able to take him completely out of his own thoughts and into their own private little world. There wasn't much to look forward to in their daily lives and yet he still managed to make him laugh so much. Despite everything they'd done and everything they'd seen, he felt like his inner child still existed when they were together - like the most precious part of his soul had been recovered, if only for a while.

"A live pig might be enough if we can kill it and prepare it."

"I'd do anything for bacon at this point. Or even like... pasta. God, that would be amazing. I never thought I'd say that about such a boring food."

"Mac and cheese would be good too. Or cookies. Maybe we could start a chicken farm for their eggs."

"You know we'd eat the chickens too."

"Half could be for eggs, half for their meat."

"Howcome we never eat french fries? We've found potatoes at times, right?"

"I think you need some kind of oil to cook it in that we don't have."

"Well, step one can be looking these things up in those cookbooks we found. Step two is scouting every building possible when we get the chance."

"I think that's a good plan." James lifted his head slightly to kiss his partner's cheek. Charlie inhaled sharply and he could feel that spark of happiness coming from him again.

They lay silently for a while, feeling the gentle breeze on their bare skin and breathing in the fresh air. When James broke the silence he spoke in a low, soft voice.

"I'm not scared anymore, you know."

"You mean... during attacks?"

"Yeah, that's what I mean. I don't feel paralyzed with fear anymore. I'm not afraid of hurting people anymore, either."

"That's good, right?"

"I think so. I feel safer. Stronger. More in control of my life. Instead of... how terrified we were before."

"I'm glad. I think I feel that too. Knowing that you'll kill anyone who tries to hurt me makes me feel a lot better."

"Killing other people is the only way to stop them from killing us. And I know that I can do it now. I know I can protect us."

"I know that killing... felt scary at first. But we have to do it to survive. It's not our choice. And people that hurt us... _deserve_ to die. Like those bastards that kidnapped you."

An image of the woman who had tortured Charlie bleeding out on the ground flashed through his mind. "Exactly. I'm not scared anymore because I know I'll kill people if I have to, and then they can't hurt us. I know you will too. And we're pretty good at it."

"I wish we were big and strong and so good at killing that no one could ever hurt us again."

"We'll be as big as most adults are soon enough. They won't be able to tell that we're teenagers anymore. And we'll keep getting stronger and better at killing until no one can touch us."

"We'll be untouchable. No one else scaring us, hurting us, trying to control us."

"Untouchable."

Their eyes met for a long moment, the deep understanding between them evident in their gaze. Then James moved to lie on top of his partner's bare chest. Charlie pulled him close and eagerly captured his lips in a passionate kiss.

The boys were constantly changing and evolving as they grew older, side by side, like parallel lines. Pain and trauma had changed both of them but they had come to reluctantly accept these changes as they'd been powerless to fight against them. They couldn't see the fractures or the darkness, they couldn't see the pieces of their souls slipping away. All they could see was each other. All they could do was hang onto each other and their deep connection with all their might.


	9. The Frantic Search

_Early June 2017_

James woke in the night, sweating and shaking. This happened often, so in his drowsy state, Charlie didn't think much of it. He pulled James close, wrapping his arms around his waist.

"Nightmare again?" he murmured softly.

James buried his face in his boyfriend's chest, his breathing fast and ragged. In truth, it was more than a nightmare. It was a memory that haunted him at every turn, day or night. When he awoke, he didn't feel relieved - he felt as if he was still in the dream. Because him cutting that boy's throat had really happened - and he would have to live with that forever. There was no escape. There was no way to change the past. There was nothing he could do.

He felt sick - his insides twisted into a tight knot of guilt, so tight he felt like he could barely breathe. Horror and dread and shame and fear - every negative emotion he could possibly think of. He felt them all at once, all the time, pressing on his chest with so much weight he thought his bones might crack.

But he couldn't tell Charlie this. Not now. So instead, he weakly whispered, "Yes."

Being held after a nightmare usually comforted him, but he felt none of that now. Charlie squeezed him gently, in what he knew was an attempt to make him feel safe, even though he was half-asleep.

Although James felt no comfort - nothing could comfort him, not about this - he still felt the visceral ache of love and affection for his boyfriend. He tried to focus on the steady sound of Charlie's heart beating away in his chest. It was a habit that he and Charlie had practiced for a long time, especially when one of them had had a nightmare.   
  
It was the one thing that hadn't changed since the world went to hell.   
  
He didn't want to move, he wanted them to stay there as they were, entangled with each other and so closely connected. He stayed for a while, desperately trying to hold onto the warm feeling of being close to Charlie. His stomach sank as it started slipping away and more disturbing memories of the people he had killed returned to his mind, like an endless loop.

A thought occurred to him suddenly and it wouldn't leave his mind.

_I have to find him._

_The place where he died. He should still be nearby._

A desperate hope followed - that if he found him, his pain might ease. Even slightly. He was willing to do anything to make it stop.

Reluctantly, carefully, James pulled himself away from Charlie's embrace, gently whispering, "I'll be back soon." His boyfriend seemed to be in a deep sleep and he wasn't sure if he had heard him. He knew he needed to go now, before the group started waking up. He wouldn't be able to sneak away then.

He carefully stepped away from the group and into the forest, leaving everything behind except the mask he wore and the knives that he carried out of habit even though he was determined not to use them.

After a moment's hesitation, he started heading west, away from where the sun would rise in a few hours. He didn't know how much time had passed since he had killed the boy - he couldn't even remember exactly where it had happened, but he walked quickly, studying his surroundings for anything that might help him navigate.  
  
All he could remember was a shallow lake, a cabin in the distance, and old, tall trees with thick trunks. It had happened on the edge of the lake. _It has to be in this direction_ , he thought. His thoughts were becoming frantic and panicked - he couldn't tell if he was getting closer or moving off-course and the thought of not being able to find the boy was something he didn't even want to consider.

_I have to find him. I have to._

After what felt like hours, James came to a clearing and he saw the lake and the cabin in the distance. He started walking even faster, scanning the ground for blood stains. _There must still be dried blood in the place where it happened._

An image of the boy bleeding out on the ground flashed through his mind. There had been a lot of blood - it had mixed with the sand beneath his feet.

He grew hopeful when he started seeing remnants of bloodshed in the field close to the lake, but there was so much of it. Countless people had died in this field that day, how could he know which spot was the correct one?

And then he saw it. A pool of dried blood close to an old tree with a broken branch. The fallen branch was long enough to reach the ground but it was still attached to the trunk by a sliver of wood. That was it.

When James reached the spot he fell onto his knees, breathing hard from his frantic search. The dried blood was mixed with the sand near the lake, it looked almost black in the near-darkness. He leaned forward, pressing his hands into the ground and pulling out a handful of the mixture.

He stared at the dried blood caked with sand in his hands for a long moment.

Pain wracked through his body. He wanted to scream. It was the most pain he had ever felt.

_I did this._

_Am I even human?_

He placed the sand back on the ground and shakily got to his feet. He pulled one of his knives out, moved towards the half-fallen tree branch and started chopping at it erratically. He managed to break a long chunk of wood off from the branch and threw it to the ground, continuing to cut and stab at the wood until he got a second long piece to break off.

Then, he pulled his roll of tape out of his pocket and taped the pieces together so that they formed the shape of a cross. He drove the bottom of the makeshift cross into the ground, in the middle of the dried pool of blood. His legs seemed to give out beneath him and he found himself on his knees, leaning forward to support himself with his hands on the bloody ground in front of the cross. He could feel his heart pounding hard, each beat vibrating through his whole body as if to remind him that he was alive. 

"I'm sorry," he whispered, tears falling from his eyes and down onto the ground, mixing with the blood and sand.

"I wish I could take it back. I'd do anything."

The tears and the pain kept coming in waves. He thought it would never stop. After a long moment of mourning, the low groan of a walker in the distance caught his attention. He turned to see a group of walkers in the forest across the field. He could tell that they were fairly fresh walkers since they hadn't decayed heavily yet - not as much as the older ones had.

_Maybe he's still out there._

He made his way over to the herd, slowing down as he got closer. He needed to blend in with the walkers and he needed enough time to see their faces, to find the boy he was looking for. His memory of the boy's appearance was hazy, but he knew that the boy had been younger and shorter than himself - likely in his early teens.

The herd was larger than he expected, and the search was difficult. The walkers looked so similar to each other in this state - grey and rotting. He started to distinguish them by their most visible wounds, looking for ones whose throats had been slit. There were many who fit that description, and James began to fear that his search was futile until he finally saw him.

As soon as he laid eyes on him, he knew. It was him.   
  
The boy was even smaller than he remembered. The wound across his throat was there as he had left it, still open. James looked into the walker's white eyes and froze.

It was a horrible sight.

Crushing guilt pushed down on his body; he struggled to breathe through the pain.

But a tiny sliver of hope appeared, lifting the weight ever so slightly.

His white eyes were translucent, and James could still see the boy's pupils and a faint tinge of their previous colour through the haze.

_Maybe a part of him isn't gone. A piece of his soul could be left inside of him._

"I'm sorry," he whispered, as quietly as he could. His throat ached horribly.

"Please forgive me."

The walker didn't seem to respond at first, but after a moment, it turned towards James.

It could have been a coincidence. It could have simply turned towards the sound. But James needed to believe that the boy had heard him.

He needed to.

The thought eased his pain ever so slightly and replaced it with hope. The pain was still all-consuming, unfathomable... but a bit of the pressure compressing his chest had lifted, enough for him to breathe. 

James shakily lowered himself to sit on the ground by a tree. With the mask on, the walkers paid no attention to him. His body was still trembling with emotion, but he felt like he couldn't move. He didn't want to leave the boy here. So he watched him quietly, observing his movements and his actions.

The walkers shuffled through the forest slowly, without a clear aim or direction. Every once in a while it grew quiet and the herd would still, standing and waiting when there was no clear sound to follow.  
  
 _Maybe he's not alone. The herd will keep him company._

He watched for a long time, desperately hoping that one of the walkers would show some signs of life or any remaining humanity. As the time slipped by, he started to contemplate.

_These people all had their own lives. Their own feelings and thoughts. They're not different from me._

_We're the same._

He started to realize that he felt safer here than with his own people. His own partner.

Walkers were predictable. They had no conscious thoughts, no deliberate intentions to harm. They were innocent. Being with them felt safe.

Humans were wild, chaotic, destructive. Dangerous.

As the sun's rays began to stream over the horizon, his mind strayed back to his people. _Charlie will be wondering where I am. I don't want him to worry._

He stood up, taking one last look at the boy. He knew he might never see him again and something inside of him made him feel reluctant to leave. He wished he could stay with him, he wished there was a way he could protect him... or at least protect what was left of him. Thoughts of someone coming along and harming the boy raced through his mind and he found that he truly cared about what happened to him.

But there was nothing he could do - this place was too far away from where his people were camping and they were always on the move. He couldn't stay here. All he could do was fiercely hold onto the hope that he would be safe and at peace. It pained him to do it, but he forced himself to tear his gaze away from the boy and head back to his people.

The only reason he went back was because he couldn't leave Charlie like that, without warning. Something inside him had changed, as if a part of his soul had shifted.

_I can never kill again._

_I can't._

_But they won't accept that. That means I'll have to run._

_I'll ask Charlie to come with me. Beg him if I have to._

The thought simultaneously terrified him and made him feel sick to his stomach with its intensity.

_What if he doesn't come with me?_

He physically shook his head in a futile attempt to push the thought away. He couldn't fathom the possibility of losing Charlie. In his heart he knew that Charlie was different from the boy he had fallen in love with, that he didn't understand these new feelings that James was having. But he desperately held onto hope as if his life depended on it.  
  
 _I'll convince him. He'll come with me._ He tried to reassure himself.

_He has to._


	10. Changing

_ Late June 2017 _

A week had passed since James had realized that he would have to run.

He knew he had to talk to Charlie, he knew he had to make a plan.

But the possibility of losing Charlie, the only family he had left, was too much to bear. He hoped he could convince Charlie to come with him but with each passing day he grew increasingly afraid that he would refuse.

_It's true what they say - fear can paralyze you._

His luck ran out before he had managed to talk to his partner.

The Whisperers attacked a group's camp and there was no way that James could escape it. No one knew that something within him had changed. If they did, he might be killed on the spot, so he had to pretend that he was fine with the brutal slaughter that would follow.

When the attack started, James attempted to blend in with the walkers in the chaos. He tried to discreetly move towards the forest and away from the bloodshed, but before he could get safely out of reach one of the survivors caught sight of him and attacked him with a switchblade. James barely managed to grab the woman's arms in time to stop her.

He tried to fight her off but she was strong and it took all of his strength just to hold her back. Her hands shook as she pushed the blade towards James' throat and he could see it getting closer.

It wouldn't be long before she overpowered him so he raised one of his legs and kicked her in the knees with all of his might. When the woman lost her footing he pulled away and tried to run.

He didn't see the blade slice through his arm but he felt the white-hot pain, the blood spilling from the wound. His vision faded and his legs gave out beneath him.

In an instant, Charlie's arms were around him and he started carrying him. The world around him was nothing but a blur of chaos, screaming and what seemed like a sea of bloodshed and mangled corpses.

Then he wasn't aware of anything at all.

\---

He must have lost consciousness because the next thing he knew, he was lying on the ground and Charlie's heavy breathing was the only thing he could hear.

No more gunshots, no more screams.

"Charlie?" His voice was hoarse, barely audible.

"S'okay, Jamie," Charlie whispered. "I've got you."

He felt lightheaded, the world spinning around him so fast that he felt the urge to be sick. Two fingers were pressed firmly against his neck and he realized that Charlie must be checking his pulse. The touch was warm and comforting, an anchor in this chaotic world.

Seconds passed in silence and then Charlie let out a relieved sigh.

Even with his eyes closed, he knew what Charlie was doing. He had seen the procedure and performed it himself many times. He winced as his clothes were pulled away from the wound. His mind was so trained to avoid making noise that he didn't even whimper despite the blinding pain that shot through his body.

Charlie's knife sliced through his clothes in one swift motion, pulling them away from his skin and discarding the torn pieces. James gasped, breathing hard and fast through the pain.

"I don't think it hit any arteries. You'll be okay."

Within a minute Charlie had tightly bandaged the wound using tape - the only material they had. It wasn't pretty, but it was effective at slowing the bleeding until it stopped altogether. It would be enough until they reached their camp to clean and treat the wound properly.

Once it was over, James finally opened his eyes wide enough to survey their surroundings. His stomach sank when he saw a woman tied to a tree a few metres away, glaring daggers at both of them.

"We caught her," Charlie explained. "Thought she might know something useful. Turns out she doesn't speak English - either that or she's a good actor."

It was then that he recognized her - she was the one who had tried to kill him. He was faintly aware that his partner was checking his body for any other wounds but he couldn't look away from her hate-filled eyes. He must not have found any because he moved to stand up a few seconds later.

"Now, you..." Charlie muttered darkly, turning to face the woman as she fought against her restraints. He pulled out his knives as he approached her. James' heart clenched painfully in his chest.

"No! No, Charlie, please... please don't kill her," he begged.

He stopped in his tracks, turning back to meet his eyes. "What?"

"Please, Charlie, I - I..."

All of a sudden there were tears streaming down his face, completely out of his control.

"She tried to kill you! You'd probably be dead if I hadn't been there! Give me one good reason why she deserves to live."

"I - I don't want to see her die."

"You don't have to watch. I can take her somewhere else -"

"I don't want her to die at all!" His voice shook as he spoke, his tone frantic and terrified. "I can't have any more blood on my hands. Or yours. I can't."

There was a tense silence. He could tell that Charlie was shocked and didn't know how to respond. His grip on his knives tightened, as if he were considering putting them away but he couldn't decide.

"What changed?"

"I don't know. I don't know, but something did. I can't... take it anymore."

"Take... what?"

"This... death, this violence. They're... human beings, Charlie. Like you. Like me."

The disbelief in Charlie's eyes was mixed with horror. He walked back to James' side and dropped to his knees, putting his knives down on the ground beside him. He reached up and cupped one of James' tear-stained cheeks, looking deeply into his bloodshot eyes.

"Jamie... Look at me. They're not like us. I don't know what's gotten into you, but you need to think about us - about our family. Do you know what they'd do if they heard you talking like this?" Suddenly it was Charlie's voice that was desperate and pleading, like he didn't want to believe what James was saying.

"They'd say I'm weak." More tears fell from his eyes, sliding down Charlie's hand.

"But I know you're not like this. Killing didn't bother you before."

"I can't do it anymore, Charlie, I can't! I need to stop - I need you to stop!" His voice was shaking so badly that he could barely form sentences. He felt like his lungs were being constricted; he couldn't get enough air. The fear of losing Charlie was like a vice grip around his heart and he started hyperventilating.

"We'll die if we stop killing!"

"No, we won't."

"What are the chances that we could survive out there if we refused to kill? We wouldn't last a week. You'd... you'd rather let yourself die than kill again?"

James looked away and his rapid, shallow breathing became even more ragged. He suddenly felt like he was overheating and sweating, tears continuing to run down his face.

The silence was enough of an answer.

"You can't think like that, Jamie," Charlie pleaded, sounding frightened and desperate. "It's the only way to live. We can't just... lay down  
and die!"

"That's not what I'm asking. Right now, Charlie, I'm... I'm begging you." His terror kept escalating and sobs were wracking through his body but he pushed himself to continue speaking through the tears. "Don't kill her. For me. _Please_."

At that moment Charlie looked into his eyes, clearly conflicted. As much as Charlie had changed, James believed there was still a part of him that cared about him. It was buried beneath terrible memories of gruesome, unspeakable violence and trauma that had twisted and broken his psyche - but he hoped against hope that it was still there.

Charlie stood up shakily and turned towards the woman, who continued squirming against her restraints. He could tell that he wanted to do as James had asked but he had to fight his own desires every step of the way.

"What if she comes back - brings her people? What if they find us again?"

"She doesn't even speak English -"

"They could still find us! You know that we don't spare people like her!"

"For me, Charlie. _Please. I'd do anything_." He stared at his partner through tear-filled eyes, breathing so fast that he could barely think.

Charlie looked shocked and saddened, as if seeing James like this was breaking his heart. After a few seconds of hesitation he approached the woman.

"He just saved your life. Never come back here, you hear me? _Never._ "

He cut her restraints quickly and watched the woman frantically run away.

James sobbed quietly, gasping for breath and overwhelmed by the feeling of relief that washed over him. "Thank you."

Charlie didn't respond but he sat down next to him. James desperately pulled him into an embrace and they held each other tightly. He didn't know that he had so many tears inside of him but they were all spilling over - all of the tears that had built up over so much time living in a world gone to hell. They soaked through Charlie's shirt, leaving his shoulder wet. He rubbed James' back like he had when they were kids and waited as he slowly got his breathing under control again.

"I love you, Charlie. I love you so much, _so much_." James whispered close to his partner's ear.

He heard Charlie exhale shakily and pulled back to look into his eyes.

"I love you too, Jamie. You know I do." There was something unsettling about his tone - it was distant, detached. But he needed to hear that confirmation, that reassurance so badly that every part of him rejected the unsettling tone and cast it aside.

_He loves me. Everything will be alright as long as Charlie still loves me._

It took some time for James to calm down, but once the tears had stopped Charlie helped him to his feet so they could start making their way back. He supported him as he walked. Despite the tender moment they had just shared, James could tell that the other boy wasn't pleased about what had just happened.

"Are you... are you mad at me?"

"You risked our lives, you know. For a stranger."

"I didn't do it for her. Not really. I did it for me, for both of us."

"What are you talking about?"

"I'm... so relieved that you spared that woman. But the people I've killed -" He swallowed, barely able to finish his sentence. "It _hurts_."

"I don't understand." 

"I'm in pain, Charlie. All the time. If you'd killed her, it would have hurt so much that I don't know what I would've done. I might not have been able to bear it."

Charlie's face fell and his expression was distraught, saddened.

"I don't know what to do."

"I don't know either."

A heavy silence fell between them for the rest of the walk back to their camp. He didn't make a sound even as Charlie stitched up his wound.

They knew each other so well that there was no need for words sometimes. James knew what Charlie was capable of. The gentle hands wrapping his wound had also killed without remorse, so many times that he'd lost count.

But James still loved him. God, he still loved him. More than he thought possible, more than he'd ever loved anyone or anything else. He could never forget the Charlie he'd met as a child, the boy who was more loving and braver than he ever thought a person could be - the Charlie who loved him so fiercely that he would do anything to make him happy, to keep him safe.

That Charlie was still there, somewhere, buried underneath the rough exterior of the Charlie who killed. He truly believed that and held onto that belief with all his might. He couldn't bear to think otherwise.

That night, Charlie took his hand and lead him away from the group without a single word.

He took him to a place that was secluded and quiet, where their breathing was the only sound they could hear.

They lay down together and Charlie pulled him close, held him tightly to his chest and kissed him deeply. They kissed over and over and over again for a long time.

Perhaps his partner didn't know what to say but he always knew what to do to make James feel loved.

He felt the urge to cry but held back the tears, his chest aching the entire time they were together.

Because he loved Charlie so much that it physically hurt.

Because he knew that Charlie still loved him with all of the pieces of his broken heart.

Because loving and being loved by Charlie moved him profoundly and touched his very soul and he couldn't contain all of those emotions inside himself.

Because deep down he knew that love wouldn't be enough to keep them together. Their souls were filled with cracks and fractures pulling them down different paths and as powerful as love was, it couldn't change that. He felt the pain of this realization even though his mind blocked it from conscious awareness. The words were too painful to think.

He simply couldn't deal with that yet.

Tonight he was alone with Charlie, being held and kissed. Tonight they loved each other and nothing else mattered. Charlie was the only thing in the world for him.

He let himself have this night.


	11. The Dark

_July 2017_

The first steps that he took away from his people, away from Charlie, were painful and uncertain. He knew this would be the last time he ever saw his boyfriend. His body and mind were so overwhelmed, shaking with conflicting emotions, that he wasn't even paying attention to where he was going.

He wandered aimlessly until the group was out of sight and then suddenly he stopped and listened.

All traces of them were gone. All he could hear was his ragged breathing and his own heart hammering like a rapid bass drum in his ears.

He was alone. Truly alone.

His family was gone. His boyfriend was gone.

He had nowhere to go. No one to go to. Nothing.

_What now?_

Paralyzing terror and pain took over his senses, breaking past the walls he had tried to put up in his mind to protect himself.

Without a reason to go anywhere specific or do anything, he didn't know what to do.

His mind went back to his early days with the Whisperers shortly after the world had ended. At the time they had had three priorities.

_Food. Water. Somewhere to sleep._

That was a start. It was the only thing he could think of.

_There has to be something better than this. Somewhere better._

With that thought in mind, he decided where to go. He would walk in the direction that he had never been before. Try to find somewhere new. Yes, that was the best option.

He headed north with a panicked determination. For a long time, there was nothing but trees and occasionally walkers. His feet ached but he was barely aware of the sensation because of how much his mind was racing.

After what seemed like hours, he came across the edge of the forest leading to an open field. Through the fog that had fallen, he saw a lone house in the distance, surrounded by open space.

Without much thought, he approached the house and examined it briefly. It was in a pretty bad state, as most buildings were after the apocalypse. Run down. Half the windows were broken, the other half streaked with blood and bird droppings.

The initial shock and denial were beginning to lift and excruciating pain came down in their place as the realization set in.

Charlie was gone.

He would never see him again.

James started sobbing quietly, his whole body aching with grief.

He entered the house in spite of his tears, his mental state preventing him from thinking rationally about the danger if someone living was inside.

He didn't care.

The furniture was still there - remains of life were still there. The house was disorganized and messy, probably similar to how it had been before walkers. It didn't seem to have been scavenged yet.

There was likely food in the kitchen, by the looks of it - there were boxes of cereal on the counter and one of the cupboards was left open to reveal canned goods. But he was in such a state of shock that his body felt no desire to eat, no desire at all except to scream in pain.

So that's what he did. He didn't care if his wails of agony started to draw walkers - he didn't care about anything.

The smart thing to do would have been to gather whatever useful belongings he could find and settle in for the night, but the thought didn't cross his mind. He started to feel crimson rage rising in his chest - fury at this world, at his people, at Charlie, at himself. And he started to destroy anything in his path.

He lifted one of the side tables in the living room and smashed it against the wall. He threw everything off the coffee table, shattering vases and old dishes on the floor. One of the broken legs from the coffee table caught his eye and he grabbed it, using it to bash into the mirror on the wall. It shattered into thousands of pieces of glass on the floor.

Next, he went from room to room, smashing the chair leg against any objects he saw with all his strength. He was still sobbing uncontrollably as he wildly smashed the wooden leg against one of the hollow walls. The force broke through the old walls, leaving large holes where he hit. Eventually, there was nothing left to destroy. The floor was covered with scattered pieces of whatever belongings had been left behind.

James panted heavily, letting his arms fall to his side but keeping his grip on the chair leg. It hadn't helped. He didn't feel any better. The fleeting release of emotions didn't last for even a minute after he had stopped.

The crunch of shoes on broken glass behind him startled him, and he flipped around to see a walker shuffling slowly in his direction.

The rotting old woman slowed now that it was quiet, unable to sense James while he was wearing his mask.

For a moment, he raised the chair leg again. He felt a strong urge to release his pain and anger on the walker, so much that his hands shook, but something held him back. He looked closely at the woman where she stood, her empty eyes staring aimlessly into the distance.

She must have died a long time ago because her body was heavily decayed. Most of her skin had been torn or rotted away, revealing frail bones and pieces of her rotting heart and lungs. James stared at the macabre sight, unable to take his eyes off of the woman's internal organs on display.

_We all look the same inside._

_I'll look like that after I die._

_So will Charlie._

The only difference was that his heart was still beating whereas hers was eerily still.

_She used to be a person._

_The same as me._

He couldn't do it.

_If I do nothing but cause death and suffering... why am I alive?_

_What's the point of an existence that's nothing but pain and causing others pain?_

He finally looked away and threw the chair leg at the wall across the room. The walker followed the sound and moved away from him.

James looked up and saw a string hanging from the ceiling close to where he stood - the entrance to the house's attic. He pulled the string and pulled down the ladder that descended from the ceiling, climbing up and closing the entrance behind himself.

Dusty old boxes and stacks of books filled the attic, nothing more. He moved to the window at the end of the long room, looking out into the empty open field outside.

There was nothing out there. No signs of life. No walkers, no animals, no people.

Nothingness.

That was his life now.

He roughly fell to his knees on the old dusty wooden floor, letting himself fall forward onto his hands as well.

The pain was too much. Unbearable.

_Charlie's gone._

He started screaming again, rough shouts that hurt his throat. He screamed until it felt like there was no more air left in his lungs and he collapsed onto his side, sobbing uncontrollably. He hadn't allowed himself to cry like this, as loud as the pain dictated, since before walkers.

_How will I even live on my own?_

_How can I endure this pain? For what?_

_What can possibly make my life worthwhile... without him?_

No answers occurred to him. Only silence.

The pain of his loss needed to be expressed and that was the only thing he could do right now. Feel it. Pray for it to stop. Pray to become numb like he used to be. Hours and hours later, his body was exhausted, he had no more energy left and his capacity for emotions faded temporarily.

Pain only lasted for so long before it eased. When it did, he fell asleep there on the floor, relieved to get a short reprieve from his waking consciousness.


	12. Healing

_November 2013_

It took several months for the burn wounds on Charlie's back to heal. During that time he had to stay behind during attacks.

His body wasn't the same as it had been before - it was weaker, slower. He got tired too quickly and he needed more rest than before. He was so exhausted for the first few weeks that he struggled to keep up with the group when they travelled from one camp to the next. Whenever he pushed himself he quickly grew lightheaded and started to get overly hot. He didn't need to tell James about how he felt because the other boy instantly knew. It was like he could sense it even before Charlie did.

Although he wished James could stay back with him during attacks... he was too strong. He was respected and regarded as a skilled fighter in their group now. Someone always stayed back with him but it was usually the weakest member of the group - whoever happened to be injured or ill at the time. James was obligated to participate, he wasn't given a choice. 

So he did as he was told. Charlie was never left alone, like he promised. But having someone from their group watching over him was a far cry from being with his partner. His wounds had almost healed now - they barely hurt anymore except when he moved far enough to stretch the skin. He wanted to get back to protecting James, and most of all, to holding him without any worries or reservations. Unfortunately, the damn wounds still started bleeding every time the skin pulled on them, which was extremely frustrating considering they were just above his shoulder blades.

He hated staying behind during attacks with a passion. He could never sleep, he could never rest while James was out there... potentially in danger.

The more time passed, the more anxious and restless Charlie got. It was always late at night when they returned to camp, and today was no different. 

Charlie stood up when he saw the Whisperers returning in the distance, trying to find James' silhouette among the large group in the dim moonlight. He was always right at the front, leading the way back, eager to return to him. 

But today he wasn't. 

_Something must have happened._

Charlie's heart started pounding hard as dread and fear constricted his chest. He made his way over to the group and stopped in the middle of it, lost in the crowd, turning around in circles as he frantically searched for his partner among the people that walked past. 

_Surely one of them would stop to tell me if he's dead - they wouldn't let me go on hoping he's alive if he's not - they couldn't -_

"Jamie?" His voice was shaking as he called out his name. "Jamie, where are y-"

"I'm here, Charlie."

He whipped around to find the direction the voice had come from.

James was at the very back of the group and walking towards him, limping slightly. His clothes were horribly dirty, his pants torn at the knees to reveal bloody scraped skin. His hands were covered in blood.

He rushed towards him and pulled him into an embrace that was almost too tight, ignoring the pain that jolted through his back as the movement pulled on the skin attached to the still-healing wounds.

"Hey, hey - careful, you're still -"

"What happened to you? How bad is it? What can I -" Charlie was almost in tears. 

"I'm okay. Most of the blood isn't mine. I fell, that's all. Tried to run on uneven ground and twisted my ankle but it's not broken. I'll be fine."

"Let me help you, I'll get you cleaned up -"

"I can walk - I don't want you to reopen your wounds."

"Fuck my wounds, you're -"

"Charlie, I'm fine. I swear it. Just try not to move around too much - the wounds can't heal if you keep pulling at them."

They stared at each other for a moment. They were both stubborn but Charlie knew James wouldn't budge on this. So he relented and pulled back, letting the other boy walk on his own.

Charlie picked up the supplies they needed and brought them over to their sleeping bag while James carefully lowered himself to the ground, leaning with his back against a tree. Charlie kneeled next to him and raised his pant leg to look at his injured ankle. He felt the bones gently with his fingertips.

"Does it hurt when I touch it?"

"No. Just when I put weight on it. It should only take a few days of rest for whatever muscle I pulled to heal."

He breathed a sigh of relief. The bones felt intact and in place, so he was comfortable moving onto the next area - his scraped knees. He eyed the pants, examining the ripped and dirty fabric right next to the bloody scraped area of his skin.

"You should change out of those pants. I'll get some clean ones for you."

James complied, pushing himself off the ground just enough to slip the pants down from his waist. Charlie pulled them off from the ankles and helped him slip into a different pair, rolling up the pant legs carefully.

Next he started disinfecting the scraped areas with alcohol. James inhaled sharply, gritting his teeth against the pain, and then endured it quietly.

"Did anyone... attack you while you were down?"

The question hung in the air for a moment and Charlie instantly knew the answer. And it made him feel sick.

"Terry was behind me. He got them before anything happened."

" _Fuck,"_ Charlie winced. "You could have died."

"I was up in a few seconds. We outnumbered them by far, there was bound to be someone to help me even if Terry hadn't been there."

"I should have been there."

"That wouldn't have helped, you would've gotten hurt along with me -"

"I don't care if I get hurt! If you're in danger then I have to protect you!"

"Well _I_ do!"

A tense silence stretched between them. Charlie bit his lip, trying to finish cleaning the wounds before continuing the conversation. He was as gentle as possible while cleaning the scraped knees. James squeezed his eyes shut and winced, but stayed quiet. Once Charlie had carefully bandaged both knees he rolled down the pair of pants and moved on to the other boy's wrists.

There was a lot of dried blood on his hands. As the area was cleaned, it revealed scraped skin near the base of James' wrists, where he must have stretched out his hands to absorb the impact of the fall. 

It was a minor wound, but Charlie couldn't help thinking about how much worse it could have been. If he'd broken one of his wrists, it would have taken months to heal. Not to mention how vulnerable he would've been if he'd lost the ability to use one of his arms. But he didn't mention it. They both knew how dangerous it was to be injured in a world like this.

Once Charlie had finished bandaging James' wrists, James automatically moved to kneel behind him and pulled his shirt up over the wounds on his back.

He didn't need to hear James' sharp intake of breath to know that they were bleeding again. Without a word, James gently removed the old bandages, disinfected the wounds, applied antibiotic ointment and covered the area with clean bandages. He put away the supplies when he was done and Charlie gently put his shirt back on.

Their eyes met and Charlie took his partner's hand, leading him to their sleeping bag. 

Since the incident, he'd been sleeping on his stomach to avoid pulling on the wounds or putting weight on them. It'd been far too long since he'd slept on his side, holding onto James.

He couldn't wait any longer. 

Charlie carefully got into the sleeping bag and lowered himself slowly to rest on his side. There was a familiar stretching sensation across his back, but no sharp pain. He sighed in relief and looked up at his companion.

"Are you okay like that? No - no more bleeding?" James knelt next to him, stiff and anxious.

"No more bleeding," he assured him. He was always able to tell when it bled. "It's fine as long as I don't make sudden movements."

"Are you sure?"

"I'm sure."

Finally, James crawled into the sleeping bag next to him. He was being so cautious that he wasn't touching Charlie's torso at all, keeping a small space between them.

It took all of Charlie's willpower not to just grab him and pull him into the tightest embrace he could possibly muster. Instead, he slowly inched closer and gently wrapped him up in his arms. 

"I'm sorry," he murmured close to James' ear. "I didn't mean to say that I don't care about my own safety. Because I do - for your sake as much as mine. I just... care about you more."

"I know," James sighed softly. "I'm sorry, too. That I worried you."

"You have to understand, Jamie," he swallowed thickly, his voice a trembling whisper. "When I lost you... it was a thousand times more painful than those burns."

James moved closer, his arms carefully wrapping around Charlie's lower back, far from the wounds. 

Charlie pressed his nose against his boyfriend's cheek and closed his eyes, trying to maintain composure while he continued speaking quietly.

"When I... found you. In the cage. You looked... like a child again. Helpless. Terrified. There was a wound near your hairline and so much blood dripping down your forehead, almost into one of your eyes. You looked half dead. Shaking. So out of your mind with fear that I thought you might scream when I touched you, not realizing it was me.Your eyes were so... wild, horrified, I didn't know if you could see me. 

"And when I wrapped my arms around you, you didn't move. You just shook... hyperventilating like crazy. Your breathing was so fast that it scared me. When I pulled you out of there you were so weak... so tired from fighting against the cage that you couldn't stand. I had to support most of your weight. Even after I brought you home, cleaned you up, put you in our bed... you still kept shaking for so long. I don't know what it was. The fear. The head injury. The panicked breathing that wouldn't stop. I came so close to losing you... you came so close to dying."

James nuzzled his cheek gently, slowly, and Charlie could tell that he was trying to comfort him but unsure of what to say. "I... I can barely remember it," he breathed. "It's like my mind's tried to block it out. It's strange how... some things I can't remember but others I can't forget."

"I wish I could forget it. I... I see it over and over again in my nightmares. Either the whole scene's being played again or I just see your face, with blood pouring down from your head."

"I know you're afraid of losing me, Charlie. I'm always as careful as I can be, you know that. You should try to remember that I'm good with a knife, too."

"I know you are - but I want to be there too. I want to go back to fighting like everyone else."

"I just want your wounds to heal properly. I don't want you to have to be in pain."

"You're going to stay back for a little while because of your ankle, right?"

They both knew that limping on an injured leg would make someone an easy target so that was the best option.

As soon as James nodded, Charlie seized the opportunity. "Then I'll stay back with you - but when you're better, I want to get out there, too."

"You think you'll have healed enough in that time?"

"In a week or two, I'm sure I will. I can feel it. And I just... can't stand being away from you. Especially after this. I was trying not to panic but I..." he swallowed hard. "It reminded me of what it felt like when they took you that day. I'm not exaggerating when I say I felt like I was dying. No other pain has ever compared to that. Today, I... I still had hope that you were okay, but I could feel myself spiraling out of control so fast. Like I couldn't breathe, couldn't think, and that excruciating pain was getting so close again..."

James' stubborn wall finally came tumbling down. He hated seeing Charlie so afraid and especially being the cause of it.

"It's okay, Charlie," he whispered. "Once I'm better, we'll... we'll both go back. You just have to promise me you'll stay close to me, okay? And that you'll be careful."

Charlie wanted to rush forward and kiss him forcefully, but he held himself back from making sudden movements. He wanted to show James that he was really trying to let the wounds heal. Instead, he brought one hand up to James' cheek and gently pulled him into a kiss.

"I love you, Jamie, sweetheart, love of my life," he murmured against his lips.

"I don't hear you promising..." James teased.

"I promise. You promise me you'll stay close, too?"

"I promise. We'll protect each other. Just like we always have."

They kissed again, long and slow this time, as if they hadn't seen each other in weeks rather than hours. They weren't used to spending any time apart, so every minute they weren't together felt so long. Charlie's intense fear of losing James plagued his mind the whole time. Now that he had him back, he never wanted to let him go again.

He kissed James' cheek and then all around his face affectionately. Finally, James shifted slightly downward to rest his head against Charlie's chest, and they squeezed each other tightly with James' arms wrapped around his lower back.

Charlie continued pressing gentle kisses to the top of his head, burying his nose in his hair. James stayed quiet for a while, but Charlie didn't mind, as he knew what he was doing. He'd been checking Charlie's heart rate as least once a day since the injury. He often pressed his ear to his chest to listen to his heart while they were embracing each other, just like he was now.

James was no doctor but he knew Charlie well - they'd spent so much time holding each other that his partner's heartbeat and the cadence of his breathing was as familiar to him as his own. Charlie would never complain about James caring for him and checking up on him like this. It made him feel so loved.

"Your breathing sounds different." 

"Does it?"

"It almost sounds like it's... higher pitched than usual. And a bit faster."

They paused briefly and Charlie tried to listen to his own breathing. He was right, it was slightly higher pitched, as if the air was pushing through a smaller space than usual.

"I don't think there's anything wrong with my lungs, my nose just feels a bit stuffed up. Might be allergic to one of the plants around here, that's all. My nose used to get stuffed up all the time as a kid. I'm fine, I promise."

James shifted back upwards and pressed their cheeks together, listening to Charlie's breathing from higher up now. After a few seconds, he seemed to accept that the higher pitched sound was coming from his nose rather than his lungs and Charlie felt him relax in his arms.

"Okay. Sorry. I-"

Before he could finish, Charlie kissed him deeply. He pulled him close, his hands rubbing up and down along the muscles in the other boy's back. They were pressed together so tightly that he felt James' heartbeat speed up against his chest as they kissed.

When they parted, Charlie simply looked into his partner's eyes, smiling brightly. Every time James was doting over him, taking care of him, the most lovestruck expression fell over Charlie's face. He didn't try to hide how much he enjoyed the attention. 

"You never need to apologize," he whispered. The sun was starting to rise and it reminded him that everyone else was asleep. "Especially not for caring about me."

A smile spread across James' face at that. Charlie watched him close his eyes as a few rays of sunlight fell on his face. It was so bright that he started squinting, but he kept his eyes open to see James' gorgeous face.

"I remember the first time I realized I loved you," James confessed. His eyes were still closed as if he was imagining he was back there again.

"Yeah?"

"Yeah. We were so small that I didn't really understand what my feelings were at the time - I didn't know that being in love, romantic love, was what I felt. I just knew it was love.

"We were on the bus home from a field trip. You gave me the window seat even though I knew you loved it. You leaned right up against me and wrapped your arms around my waist, your forehead pressed just underneath my ear. And you fell asleep before I could even move.

"My cheek was itching like crazy but I didn't move a muscle because I didn't want to wake you up. You looked so peaceful. I could feel your breath against my neck and I just... I felt too much. My stomach was tied up in knots and my chest was aching. And I just knew, the words came to my mind for the first time."

The words melted Charlie's heart.

James opened his eyes to look at him, his pupils shrinking in the bright light from the sunrise. His eyes were practically glowing, illuminated and shining in a way that was breathtaking. Charlie stared at him in awe for a moment, overflowing with love and affection.

"...You are the most perfect beautiful angel prince that ever existed, Jamie." Charlie moved forward to press kisses all over his face, his neck, everywhere as his partner laughed delightedly.

He couldn't help it. He didn't know what else to do. James kissed him back, first his jaw, then his ear, and they spent a few minutes kissing and laughing like a couple of lovestruck teenagers. This world had taken a lot away from them, including their youth, but thankfully it hadn't taken away their experience of being in love.

When they finally parted, they were both a bit breathless but they couldn't stop beaming.

"You have such gorgeous eyes. Beautiful honey golden brown." Charlie brushed his thumb softly over James' cheek. The skin flushed beneath his fingertips.

"You do, too," he murmured bashfully. It was adorable how shy he could still be, even after all this time.

"I missed you so much, Jamie." Charlie knew it might sound silly, but it was true. He was so glad that he wouldn't have to be separated from James again, at least for a while.

"I missed you too, Charlie."

Their lips met in a heartfelt kiss and then they both closed their eyes, settling into their sleeping bag. They kept their faces close, their noses and foreheads touching, even as they laid in silence and drifted off to sleep.

Charlie felt like he could finally breathe properly for the first time in a long time. The dreaded weight of knowing James would have to go off on attacks without him was finally lifted. His chest felt lighter.

He just wanted James to be safe, more than anything, but he knew that they could never truly be safe in this world no matter what they did. But they were safer when they were together. Living with so much uncertainty was difficult, but one thing had been clear in his mind from the start.

If he might die tomorrow, he wanted to spend every possible moment with James. That was the most important thing. He'd never take any of the time they had together for granted.

Charlie fell asleep with James wrapped up in his arms and breathing softly, thinking about how lucky he was to spend his life with the person he loved.


End file.
